So it's been a while since I've written.. a couple years actually.
did you miss me? :)
God has done so much in my life. I'd be glad to write if i knew someone was listening ...
is any body out there?

any Geek's willing to help me?

this morning there was some thing wierd going on on my laptop.
it said i had a webcab installed in the usb.

not true. i uninstalled or something.

now i have no speakers.

i doownloaded the drivers that go with my pc.

but it says i have no audio output..
umm. hello there is built in speakers plus mine that i plug in.. for real sound.

well. nothing.
restarted.
nothing.

no sound.
this means for me...
no sermons.
no music.
so listening to scripture.
no joining in teh gfa prayer meeting on tuesdays.
it means the the money is just spent to on a class is wasted...
have to have speakers for the class...
it means...
i might as well not turn my computer on...
it means im cut off from hearing the Word of God .
faith comes by hearing.

i guess this must be the mighty hand of God.

i aksed Him if i had pride to remove it..asked HIm last night.
this must be part of it..idk.
nothing comes to me but thru Him.. right?

butim not sure what to do.
i rejoiced in suffering this morning about something else.

i guess i must have alot of pride so He has to take alot away.

i really dont know.

i just know i want to be like HIm..
so i prayed burn Your image into me.

i pray i will be like HIm.
and not like my mind.
His mind.
i have the mind of Christ.

Glory to God.
He must be doing something in me...
i can only hope.

it doesnt grow on trees

The Battle With Sin: Intro - Tim Conway

this is really good.
i thought i was alone. that i was only one with bad thoughts that plague me
sometimes. making me think i wasn't saved. such darkness, this battle sometimes.
im so glad to hear this study. thankful to Jesus for this. it gives me great relief.
i hope if you come across this blog and you are in this like some of us.. that it will help you. its helping me. but the battle is still so AWFUL.
i thought i was losing my soul. but this is part of the christian life.
LORD keep me till the end. dont let me fall away and dont let me give in.
let t he cross have marks where my nails have dug in beneath where your feet were.
dont let me go Lord. dont let me go.
im weak and i dont know how. but i know how to hold onto something for dear life.
if im hanging over the side of a cliff hanging on to the Branch im not letting go until He pulls me up and sets my feet on the flat surface.. Rock.. again.
the pharisees tried to push Jesus off that cliff.. because He was holy. because they didnt like what He was doing or saying...which He was obeying God..
the devil doesnt want me or you to obey God and so this war goes on.
i thought to myself yesterday.. i think i might rather be in a physical war on the front lines than this spiritual war. i think it is harder that being on a front line M-16. yes ppl are dying all around. smoke. explosions. tears. yelling. motorcades.
traps and snares... blood. flesh flying. shrapnel.
but there.. its not a battle for my soul. when i die i go to be with HIM.
im fighting for what ever reason on a front line.
this.. this spiritual battle seems crazy!!! i cant understand what is going on sometimes.
i cant hear Father. i cant remember scripture when im being assaulted. i try. i try. and it turns to tears and i call help JESUS. SHEPHERD!!! help me.
if i remember to call on Him...and not thinking He is against me..
now that i have heard this study...intro.. im realizing it is the same thing that happens to other believers..on the battle field..
im not standing there alone... in front of a fireing squad..tanks...

though this is what it seems like... or maybe  i am. except the LORD is with me. the Captain of my salvation.

i need Jesus is all i know. i cant make the thoughts go away. i can try my hardest to think good
to keep my mind on things above. but even then..intrusive..blasphemous arrows are thrown at me...

Immanuel.

and now... though the speakers do not work on my computer..and i do not know how to fix them..
i pray the LORD will..so i can hear these sermons again.. and the rest of the study. i cant read lips.
LORD help me... i know the words to this song.. though i cannot hear it...
pillar..frontline.

Bless the LORD!

 Psalm 103

  Bless the LORD, O my soul;
         And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
  Bless the LORD, O my soul,
         And forget not all His benefits:
  Who forgives all your iniquities,
         Who heals all your diseases,
  Who redeems your life from destruction,
         Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
  Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
         So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
        
  The LORD executes righteousness
         And justice for all who are oppressed.
  He made known His ways to Moses,
         His acts to the children of Israel.
  The LORD is merciful and gracious,
         Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
  He will not always strive with us,
         Nor will He keep His anger forever.
  He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
         Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
        
  For as the heavens are high above the earth,
         So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
  As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
  As a father pities his children,
         So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
  For He knows our frame;
         He remembers that we are dust.
        
  As for man, his days are like grass;
         As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
  For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
         And its place remembers it no more.
  But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
         On those who fear Him,
         And His righteousness to children’s children,
  To such as keep His covenant,
         And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
        
 The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
         And His kingdom rules over all.
        
  Bless the LORD, you His angels,
         Who excel in strength, who do His word,
         Heeding the voice of His word.
  Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
         You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
  Bless the LORD, all His works,
         In all places of His dominion.
        
         Bless the LORD, O my soul!

clinging to Him

For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things and by whom are all things,
in bringing many sons to glory,
to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.
For both He who sanctifies and those who are being sanctified are all of one,
for which reason He is not ashamed to call them brethren...
Hebrews 2.11

Paul Washer Testifies to How God Always Provides

this is my favorite sermon from you tube
in a long time.
to hear Paul's diary and how he was struggling with doubts... yet he was not doubting because he was saying if God seeks not to continue this mission then He is justified..
not in those word's but i never hear much on this kind of thing..preacher's revealing how they were struggling.. maybe because they are supposed to look good in front of the flock.. i dont know.. but it gives me hope.
and makes me not feels so.. whatever ..
the part about the promises.. im going to do.. not that anyone cares by me telling them or writing this.. no one ever responds.. but thats ok.
God wants me too. and He is watching me.. He wants me to search them and pray to Him... about godliness and how He is mighty and how He is near to the weak and how He helps the poor and needy... and He will answer these when i ask and receive...
not the blab it and grab it like paul said..
this is the ask and you shall receive..
and these are things that i want. to overcome sin.
to be near to God
to see Him
to see Him show Himself strong on my behalf.
for His glory.
i dont know why im here why im on this earth
what God wants with me or for me.
but im His. alot of ppl dont think i should be. and dont want me near them.
but God... He is the One who died for me..
He is the One who washed away my sins.
He is. He is the one who took it all for me
nobody else.
i live for Him. even when He is crushing me and slaying me
and im not sure what ive done or i think im failed in sin
beyond help beyond repair beyond Him loving me..
He does.
HE is not man that He should lie.
men think they are so great and should have the say in things.
but it is GOD . and at the day of judgement we shall see what GOD says
and how GOD wants it
and how GOD makes a mighty display of HIS power
His goodness HIS glory HIS plans HIS hopes and HIS dreams
all for HIS future.
because at judgement day
all the plans of men are gone. all their dreams all their fine things
all their degrees and towers they built are all gone.
flattened. crushed. burned up.
GOD will have mercy on who He has mercy
and He will destroy who HE destroys.
it is all for Him.
not me. not you.not us.
He is kind and merciful.
im kind to my cat.
dont have to be.
God wants me to be.
buit i did not have to adopt her out of that cage.
she didnt do anything for me.
there were lots of cats in that humane society.
all cute. all furry. they all meowed.
some looked at me some did not.
i did not go there knowing aha there is a maine coon that i have wanted all my life.
i looked at so many.
i picked the one and i held it. her.
i asked Daddy... can i have her?? He said yes. and i bought her.
now.. i liked her.. because she purred...but all cats purr.
she buried her nose in my arm.. i liked that... like she felt safe with me..
she tugged my heart.. she likes me i thought.

i didnt do anything for God. good or bad. that made Him decide He wanted me..
i have no clue. He could of closed His eyes and played pin the tail on the donkey with pictures of people for all i know...
whichever picture the dart landed on.. they are saved... the rest are damned.
how do i know??
i know i did nothing. i deserve nothing
i am an utter failure of a human being in society's eyes and my own.
but because God sent Jesus to die and be the sacrifice for my sins...to appease God to not pour His wrath on me..Jesus suffered for me.
so God loves me..He loves me He sent His Son to die..
but i did nothing .. but be born on this earth. and be alive. picked out in the lottery or how ever they decided a long time ago. i still deserve nothing but wrath.
but i have the righteousness of Christ imputed to me.
i wear His robes.. you cant see them.. but they are there
and He is glorious in heaven.
He doesnt have to give nothing to me.
He gave His son.
it is hard to unlearn the teaching in america..
i still think im being punished sometimes by the situations im in
but Jesus took my punishment there is no more punishment because of Jesus
only God treating me now as a son.. daughter...
i am glad that i am not "blessed" with all the stuff other poeple have
it doenst mean im bad...it means He loves me.. stuff would send me away from Him possibly. i want to be close to Him. i dont want that STUFF
i want HIM.