what's a waste you might ask?
here let me tell you...
my life.
my day.
the time spent trying to tell someone
i want to serve God..
yet i could have spent all that time reading His Word
i know im nothing.
im no charles spurgeon. no sarah edwards. no paul. no peter
im not a lydia or anna. im proably real close to judas... but the Lord took me back..so maybe i kinda am like Peter...
but my life is a waste. im not any famous person. im not pretty or attractive
i have no degree. ive lost everything i own. people look at me and think im just a waste of ahuman being.
im sure if the Nazi leadership could have had me i would have been eradicated as one with handicap..useless to society.. a burden to society..
my life is wasted.
all i ever wanted to do was serve God.
without Him i have no reason for anything
if i cant serve Him
what am i here for?
i thought He called me...
i must be wrong.
it was just my head.
what a waste.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The Judgement Seat of Christ
Dear believer, once we are in the presence of God, all is over.
It is too late to correct anything. ~ Gisela Yohannan, "Broken for a Purpose"
The following is an excerpt from Broken for a Purpose ...
Do you understand and see that His testing is born out
of love for you? The more you recognize the depth of His
love, the more you will also yield to His testing. (Pg. 73, Broken for a Purpose)
I often have thought that all these trial and testings are because i have done something wrong. i have sinned God is chastising me. Most of the modern American church, from what i have learned in a short time thinks if you are poor, if you are sick, if you have problems.. especially one right after the other than either something is wrong with your faith..or you must be rebelling or sinning against God.
And i have also learned that the American Christians who think this don't really spend time in the Bible reading the Word and they also have little to no real intimate relationship with Jesus. Weekend warriors one might call them... This is a term active duty soldiers- the full time soldier - uses for a Reservist who is trained once a month and then goes active duty two weeks out of the year.
Woe to them if they are called to active duty... they don't know how to live it and function day after day as a real soldier. Their hair is long if they are a man and they have to get it cut to uniform (certain length) they don't really know how to perform in their MOS, their occupation as a soldier because they are used to their job in the civilian world. They now must leave that and their families and.... now they are no longer their own boss so to speak. The rules have entirely changed. They cannot go where they want , when they want. They are under the charge of a superior officer or Enlisted soldier. Now, they must take orders, something they cannot comprehend and they have a hard time adjusting. Many kick and scoff at it, these rules, and they whine as many reservists do... they just wanted college money. It was purely selfish motive for joining the ranks of the military... to get money... or i could interpose "blessing". (People in church have misused this word and run it in to the ground, where it only means material and monetary nature...more on that later..maybe.)
Purely selfish the majority of these weekend warriors are. To them their duty is fulfilled to their Country once a month or on Sundays.. they have done their nation a service. But how dare the nation take them from their daily lives and put them active duty where they endure hardship. Lack of food, extreme weather and BATTLE!!!
It has taken a lot of time. And testing, trial and LOVE from the Lord to show me this Truth, that man has TWISTED the Scripture.. and maybe to their own destruction on these issues. These are not small. Yet the modern churchianity does not talk of this. They feed itching ears, not hungry sheep. But some fed this slop were hungry sheep and now it is struggle after struggle to undo this false teaching. i believed what people told me..well maybe you don't have enough faith. Something different i have heard at different church buildings. It all got in my skin/heart/soul like music does, or what i watch on TV (which used to be christian television who teaches this pig slop...now, i do not watch TV, period.)
It has been hard to unlearn this..and learn God's Word to me. This truth...
That the sufferings of this life are not to be compared to the eternal weight of glory to come.
ROMANS 8.18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
PHILIPPIANS 3.10
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,
2 TIMOTHY 1.8
Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God,
2 CORINTHIANS 1.5-6
For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.
2 TIMOTHY 2.3
You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.
This walk with Jesus, this narrow road is not a fluffy frilly party!
It is serious business! This is war. this is battle of good and evil
this is a cry for people to hear the True Words of the Lord Jesus Christ!!! for souls in anguish to hear about Jesus!! not to live in anguish and suffering on this earth and then to suffer eternal damnation because they never had the opportunity to hear. they hear some false preaching about just ask Jesus into your heart and then your saved. and then you will have a great fun life you will be rich and then you can ask whatever you want and He will give it to you!!! Mercedes? bling! its yours. new house? steak dinner? $1000 handbag?
oh you got it babe! while your at it get some new shoes and new dress so you can outdo the other weekend warriors!!!!!!!
i walked into church the other day into the bathroom while some teen was taking pictures of herself in the mirror, i was genuine when i told her she looked pretty or beautiful..don't remember exactly what i said.
but i got a go-to-hell look in return.
i don't understand this. yes look nice. take care of yourself. but look at the suit above.. both of theirs... i wonder how many families that could feed.. for a year...in America.. or "lesser" parts of the world.
Christians do go hungry in India, China, Vietnam, other places..many places. they live in dirt houses is their floor they live in slums. I have way more than them... yet i have dreamed of food at night because i was hungry...
Fire. Works. Judgement Seat of Christ (2 Cor. 5.9)... provided one makes it there.. the other alternative is the Great White Throne Judgement. (Rev. 20.11)
I wonder if ole Joel will make it to the Judgement Seat of Christ... which is kind of discriminatory... but its for Born Again Believers, Children of God only...
if he makes it... what will last.. what can he lay at Jesus feet? his auditorium.. the big shiny globe for a decoration? his music... or all the people in his circus arena that he teaches his self-help glorifying man gospel too...
what nice brand new outfit can he lay at Jesus feet that Jesus could not make... Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as finely as the lilies of the field. (Matt. 6.28-29)
i don't know if he is a son of God. but by the message he preaches and how the Holy Spirit directed me away from him on the very first TV show of his i was sick. and angry at him that the message of his was being blared on the screen for millions to see and he never mentioned Jesus... and i was only newly to Christ.. three or four days and knew without doubt he was WRONG!
...so trials, tribulations.. Jesus said in this world we will have trouble
but take heart I have overcome the world. (John. 16.33)
He didn't say get all fancied out never expect hard times, suffering... look at what He suffered.
He learned obedience to Father by the things HE SUFFERED. (Hebrews 5.8)
God did not spare His only Son (Rom. 8.32) and it pleased Him to CRUSH-bruise Him. (Isaiah 53.10)
why should any Believer in Christ expect or think they will get off scott free in this world and be driving round in a brand new car every 3 or 4 years. WHAT???
They have made Jesus into an idol something like a fat man dressed in a red suit.
Yes Jesus is glorified in heaven and His hair is white like snow and He has eyes that are like flames of FIRE. (Rev. 1.14)
oh they twinkle alright....He who sits in the heavens laughs! (Psalm 2.4) but His belly does not shake like a bowl full of jelly!
I tell you their God does not exist they preach another Jesus and they will be surprised when He turns them away to eternal hellfire and justifiable damnation because God is Justified and Glorified in ALL that He does.
And the purifying of believers.... His children.. is most loving and kind...because the alternative to suffering on earth for a time... could be suffering in the Lake of Fire, eternally.
Peter was sifted like wheat by satan (Luke 22.31)
Jesus handed him over and i think this was most loving of the Lord Jesus to do this... He could have let him taste the same fate as Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.. also.
You have been called to suffer. 1 Peter 2.21
For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps:
.... to be continued.
Friday, November 26, 2010
who am i?
still reading Mrs. Yohannan's book "Broken for a Purpose"
in only a few short chapters i learn there are women...or at least A woman who has been through the struggles hard things that i am going threw and have faced...
one of the biggest IS who am i? she, too, has been through this...and to me she is like some real important woman and she gets to serve Jesus and she goes to other countries as a missionary..and etc..
and she asks herself this one night on a train...and then in the morning someone gives her a book entitled
WHO ARE YOU? she felt so loved by Jesus that He would do that for her...
and she tells about the book and some of the scriptures in it... i will list some... to me though and i will finish the chapter to see what she has said).. they have become christian cliches that do not answer my question but cover up my question and pain in asking it... it is like they are told to me...and then shhh hurry on now.. you bother me.
here are a few... of the scriptures.. and i am in no way putting down either of the books OR the Scriptures!! no no! i am just telling my thoughts and trying to sort things out...
• I am a son of God (1 John 3:2).
• I am born of God (John 1:13).
• I am an heir of God (Galatians 4:7).
• I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
• I am accepted in the Beloved (Ephesians 1:6).
• I am blessed with all spiritual blessings (Ephesians 1:3).
These are all good and perfect and God's Word...
but sometimes to me it seems like some self-help ritual i must say.. look in the mirror and tell yourself these things. while im at it i might put on a light blue sweater and say im smart and doggon-it people like me!
i know all these scriptures are true... but i only FEEL? them sometimes...and it seems i only stand strong in them a day or two... what value am i? who am i? why am i here? i understand the Word to us..
and i believe it...with all my heart. i know what i WAS and i know what JESUS has done in me alone...only HE could have done it. not me.
i still ask these questions though..especially who am i? what is my exact purpose and what "Body" part am i IN the Beloved.... what is my purpose what good works was i created to do for Him to His glory?
in only a few short chapters i learn there are women...or at least A woman who has been through the struggles hard things that i am going threw and have faced...
one of the biggest IS who am i? she, too, has been through this...and to me she is like some real important woman and she gets to serve Jesus and she goes to other countries as a missionary..and etc..
and she asks herself this one night on a train...and then in the morning someone gives her a book entitled
WHO ARE YOU? she felt so loved by Jesus that He would do that for her...
and she tells about the book and some of the scriptures in it... i will list some... to me though and i will finish the chapter to see what she has said).. they have become christian cliches that do not answer my question but cover up my question and pain in asking it... it is like they are told to me...and then shhh hurry on now.. you bother me.
here are a few... of the scriptures.. and i am in no way putting down either of the books OR the Scriptures!! no no! i am just telling my thoughts and trying to sort things out...
• I am a son of God (1 John 3:2).
• I am born of God (John 1:13).
• I am an heir of God (Galatians 4:7).
• I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
• I am accepted in the Beloved (Ephesians 1:6).
• I am blessed with all spiritual blessings (Ephesians 1:3).
These are all good and perfect and God's Word...
but sometimes to me it seems like some self-help ritual i must say.. look in the mirror and tell yourself these things. while im at it i might put on a light blue sweater and say im smart and doggon-it people like me!
i know all these scriptures are true... but i only FEEL? them sometimes...and it seems i only stand strong in them a day or two... what value am i? who am i? why am i here? i understand the Word to us..
and i believe it...with all my heart. i know what i WAS and i know what JESUS has done in me alone...only HE could have done it. not me.
i still ask these questions though..especially who am i? what is my exact purpose and what "Body" part am i IN the Beloved.... what is my purpose what good works was i created to do for Him to His glory?
broken for a purpose
ive just downloaded this book.. for FREE. by Gisela Yohannan..
she is KP Yohannan's wife from Gospel for Asia. www.gfa.org
i love Bro. KP though i have never met him he is a wonderful brother and godly man
and he loves Jesus and lost people... as well as the brethren.
im hoping to get some womanly and motherly type encouragement to keep going. to keep running.
i do not have a woman to encourage me or teach me... though i wish with all my heart that i did.
i am so lonely. and have to figure this out for myself, which is not how God wanted it to be according to HIS Word. this angers me and breaks me with sorrow at the same time....
but all the books from the gfa resources you can download for free. i am going to read this book..and i may write on it.. what ever Lord says. i feel very separated from Him now..i don't know what i have done.
maybe this is a test.
i do not know.
so here is a link to the book. Broken for a Purpose
if you are hurting and confused and broken.. and you still love Jesus.. ipray you press on into Him.
its hard..i know..believe me i'm struggling too. waiting only for His glorious appearing, this is my hope
Thursday, November 25, 2010
please tell me
Jesus please tell me the answer to the question i asked of You.
im scared. i dont want o and i cant be apart from you
and i will obey. but if a husband means i dont have a relationship with You as i have...
this scares me sends my nerves like a cat stuck to the ceiling.
the thought of not haveing time with You loving YOu and being loved by You as i have sacres me
it is not soemthing i am willing to give up. unless you make me.
paul said the unmarried woman pleases the Lord..thinking of the things that please You.
but the married woman...pleases her husband...and is worried about please ing her husband.
please tell me show me that we wont be lost. that we would nto be sepearted.
to be apart from You.. i can not live.
you came to woman in teh bible..single woman...but after they were married it seemed you did not speak to them..wellnothing was writtne.
this is too much.
rollar coaster.
You hide from me..
is this what marirage is like
nothing of YOu..
im scared. i dont want o and i cant be apart from you
and i will obey. but if a husband means i dont have a relationship with You as i have...
this scares me sends my nerves like a cat stuck to the ceiling.
the thought of not haveing time with You loving YOu and being loved by You as i have sacres me
it is not soemthing i am willing to give up. unless you make me.
paul said the unmarried woman pleases the Lord..thinking of the things that please You.
but the married woman...pleases her husband...and is worried about please ing her husband.
please tell me show me that we wont be lost. that we would nto be sepearted.
to be apart from You.. i can not live.
you came to woman in teh bible..single woman...but after they were married it seemed you did not speak to them..wellnothing was writtne.
this is too much.
rollar coaster.
You hide from me..
is this what marirage is like
nothing of YOu..
Dear God....
Dear God...
i admit i can do nothing. im sorry for all the trouble and pain i cause. i admit i am weak. i am poor and miserable.. probably blind and naked too. im just a little girl Lord. selfish probably because i keep messing everything up. can you help me? thats a dumb question...i KNOW You can.. will You..?
im all alone on this road. im scared. im sad. and i really really NEED You. i look and i cant see you. i listen and i cant hear you. have you given up on me? i know i know what His Word says... but im talking to Jesus from my heart the way a little child does.. Jesus im scared and there is big monsters all around. im cold and hungry and im waiting and waiting but you never show.
where did You go? hide and seek i do not like. the people in the building where you have set me.. they look at me all with evil mean looks so i try not to look at them. it is like i am covered in mud and poop. dirty messy hair and ripped dirty clothes. i am a poor beggar child. a peasant child. an unwanted child..i did not meet a death in the mother's womb... but i am a child walking this earth and it seems behind every place is scary monster and a evil witch. i dont find angel hands to help me. i dont find healing hands. i dont find loving hands to reach out and pull me up... only ones to shew me away... like a stray dog.
Daddy? i wonder if you have forgotten me. or maybe you've cast me away. its been three and a half years
and there is no fruit.
i hope you wont cast me away. i hope you will still love me
and see something of you that is worthy to remain in your vineyard.
im real tired and i think i will just lay down in this road now. i dont know which way to go. i got turned around dizzy and fell down. now i dont know which is the way i came from and which is the way to go.
i dont know what you want me to do or where you want me to go.
so Dear God...
i will lay down here until you come for me..somehow, someway to tell me where to go... to send someone to help.
maybe You will come in Your glorious Light that i long for with all Your Love and Beauty.
when i see You i feel safe. when i dont see you and cant see You.. You hiding Your face from me..
i feel desperate and terribly sick and afraid... like maybe You dont want me anymore.
i hope this is not true. what would i do with out You.
who do i have in heaven or on earth besides You?
i admit i can do nothing. im sorry for all the trouble and pain i cause. i admit i am weak. i am poor and miserable.. probably blind and naked too. im just a little girl Lord. selfish probably because i keep messing everything up. can you help me? thats a dumb question...i KNOW You can.. will You..?
im all alone on this road. im scared. im sad. and i really really NEED You. i look and i cant see you. i listen and i cant hear you. have you given up on me? i know i know what His Word says... but im talking to Jesus from my heart the way a little child does.. Jesus im scared and there is big monsters all around. im cold and hungry and im waiting and waiting but you never show.
where did You go? hide and seek i do not like. the people in the building where you have set me.. they look at me all with evil mean looks so i try not to look at them. it is like i am covered in mud and poop. dirty messy hair and ripped dirty clothes. i am a poor beggar child. a peasant child. an unwanted child..i did not meet a death in the mother's womb... but i am a child walking this earth and it seems behind every place is scary monster and a evil witch. i dont find angel hands to help me. i dont find healing hands. i dont find loving hands to reach out and pull me up... only ones to shew me away... like a stray dog.
Daddy? i wonder if you have forgotten me. or maybe you've cast me away. its been three and a half years
and there is no fruit.
i hope you wont cast me away. i hope you will still love me
and see something of you that is worthy to remain in your vineyard.
im real tired and i think i will just lay down in this road now. i dont know which way to go. i got turned around dizzy and fell down. now i dont know which is the way i came from and which is the way to go.
i dont know what you want me to do or where you want me to go.
so Dear God...
i will lay down here until you come for me..somehow, someway to tell me where to go... to send someone to help.
maybe You will come in Your glorious Light that i long for with all Your Love and Beauty.
when i see You i feel safe. when i dont see you and cant see You.. You hiding Your face from me..
i feel desperate and terribly sick and afraid... like maybe You dont want me anymore.
i hope this is not true. what would i do with out You.
who do i have in heaven or on earth besides You?
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