Bless the LORD!

 Psalm 103

  Bless the LORD, O my soul;
         And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
  Bless the LORD, O my soul,
         And forget not all His benefits:
  Who forgives all your iniquities,
         Who heals all your diseases,
  Who redeems your life from destruction,
         Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
  Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
         So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
        
  The LORD executes righteousness
         And justice for all who are oppressed.
  He made known His ways to Moses,
         His acts to the children of Israel.
  The LORD is merciful and gracious,
         Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
  He will not always strive with us,
         Nor will He keep His anger forever.
  He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
         Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
        
  For as the heavens are high above the earth,
         So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
  As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
  As a father pities his children,
         So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
  For He knows our frame;
         He remembers that we are dust.
        
  As for man, his days are like grass;
         As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
  For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
         And its place remembers it no more.
  But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
         On those who fear Him,
         And His righteousness to children’s children,
  To such as keep His covenant,
         And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
        
 The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
         And His kingdom rules over all.
        
  Bless the LORD, you His angels,
         Who excel in strength, who do His word,
         Heeding the voice of His word.
  Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
         You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
  Bless the LORD, all His works,
         In all places of His dominion.
        
         Bless the LORD, O my soul!

liitle wooden box

the devil comes to steal kill and destroy.
seeking to devour minds...
and christians want to help him.
move the process along..
mind games.
hurtful.
they destroy trust
they destroy love
they destroy the body.
they destroy the mind.
christians working for the devil are the worst kind.
shaming other christians...laughing at other christians.
mocking other christians.
with brethren like that..
who needs enemies?
the devil dont have to do anything..
he lets the christians do it all.

various trials *edited*

...in this you greatly rejoice,
(Jesus, salvation, God Himself.. my joy is from Him and thinking of Him)
though now,   for a little while,
if need be,
you have been grieved
by various trials,....

i have to write on this specifically.. again.

will come back to edit. as i read more in teh linguistic key..

it as if God wrote it for me...and you..if you have been grieved by various trials...

the grieve is mental suffering.. not pain..but the effects of mental suffering..

the trials.. undeserved suffering from without...
the Lord is really helping me with this..
thank you Jesus. Holy Spirit
for giving me a desire to learn and eat from your word
and to study. to know You more and this letter You have written to us
who love You.
will return to edit..

***edit , added actually...below***
so i heard a message by K.P. Yohannan called Just Following Jesus
and he mentioned a book he read.. i read it.. here's the link.

"The Release of the Spirit" by Watchman Nee

it helped me to understand even more what trials are for and why i have been experiencing them for so long now....years.. over three..non-stop, no vacation...
i dont have anything to say right now... i thought i would edit this more.
but my coffee just spilt all over..
im thinking God doesnt want me writing but in the bible.
still reading 1 peter, the book over and over...

and will get back into my study

incorruptible, undefiled, does not fade away

Inheritance reserved in heaven for you... 

1 Peter 1.4

this is just studying and my notes and what i learn from the first epistle of Peter. its meant to help me..

if anyone reads and they are helped...praise the LORD. but i am trying to understand how these trials

are refining me, testing my faith since it is more precious than gold... to the LORD Jesus..

and quit thinking that i have sinned and am bad and worthless and God is always punishing me

and im an unprofitable servant He is burning up.

the majority of my life i have been told things of this nature.. not about God.

but just how awful i am.

but what i am... is an adopted child of God. the Lord saved me by His blood. redeemed me out of darkness and sin and depravity. He changed me, put the desire to be holy as He is holy in me..and i seek to be like Him. to please Him and to be with Him. my body is the temple of Holy Spirit.

and im accepted in the Beloved Jesus Christ. Father loves me too, He is my Father now.

im not what ive been told..those bad things...im not even what my life looks like. cuz this place isnt reality. this place isnt my home...this earth. i dont like it here. want to be with Jesus. but for now..im learning to not marvel at manifold temptations... TRIALS.

that this is the LORD's love for me...different as it may be..seem...is.. His ways are NOT our ways.

but i want that scum burned off... removed from the top as the impurities float to the top...i want Jesus to remove them.

so He can look at me and see HIS reflection. His life living in me. working in me.

so the materials i use to study..the BIBLE. concordance, greek linguistic key to new testament. i will insert my own writings in a different color next to the Scripture so there is no confusion on my part....organization of my thoughts... and so no one wonders what VERSION of the Bible is this?

btw, i use nkjv.

No, im not a seminary student. im just a regular person...kind of... but not really.

im born of the Spirit of God.

STUDY to show thyself approved...to GOD.

1 Peter 1

 ¹ Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To the pilgrims of the Dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia,  
² elect according to the foreknowledge of God the Father,
in sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience and sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ:

Grace to you and peace be multiplied.
PEACE multiplied... who wonderful.. a prayer that peace be multiplied.. to go along with the multiplied trials and sufferings...GRACE... God, how i need more GRACE to overcome... please give me more grace...so i can truly rejoice in these trials instead of just saying i do to avoid complaining...let me truly mean it.

ive heard sermons on rejoicing in suffering..

but ive never heard any of the people say that they ACTUALLY DID REJOICE..during suffering...

except for Paul the apostle and Silas...singing in prison..

ive never heard of the bad things that happen to people how they rejoiced..

nope. ive heard them telling people how they must do this and that.. but not heard of their own trial in which they rejoiced at the time of suffering.

LORD.. make this me.

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope
(He is truly my Hope. Living God. Man sitting in heaven. my God who chose me. elected me. i came from utter darkness as well as every other person whom He saved..our nature is sin... but there are morally good people burning in hell right now..who never did the bad things i did... He is my Hope.. when i have no joy, my hope is in Him, when i have no peace, my hope is in Him, when i am hungry my hope is in Him, when im cold, my hope is in Him, when i am filled. FILLED with sorrow... my hope is still in Him. His promise that He will not , no never leave me or forsake me.

He will return for me.. He has gone to prepare a place for me... He has adopted me into His family and i cry out DADDY! Abba! Father!

He is my living hope. Living Hope. He is the only Hope. and my only source of Hope. My only source of real lasting comfort. i know this life seems long. but it says in the bible it is only temporary and i try to remember this... soon and very soon i will be with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. i will be happy, eternally happy and joyous with Him forever...with my Father.. my real real Father!!!! forever... Living Hope.)
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
and He will raise me up at the last day... and i will be with Him and i will see Him as He really is.. in all His glory and majesty and beautiful holiness..in all His love..in all His radiance and i will get to stay at His feet forever!!
⁴ to an inheritance incorruptible 

my inheritance cannot be ravaged by enemies...though everything might be taken from me here on this earth...my inheritance is waiting for me..reserved...it cannot be destroyed.

and undefiled
He is undefiled... like the beautiful flower above.. this term was used for flowers of supernatural beauty...purity...He is so pure. so Holy. so Beautiful. so glorious clothed in light. gold, rainbow..beautiful Jesus..undefiled Jesus...God in heaven..beauty..pure light. there is no darkness in Him at all!!!
and that does not fade away,
time cannot erase my inheritance...He is in eternity. He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. He created time. He created eternity. He created the body that He is in. the heaven He sits in.. the earth we stand upon..and He will not fade away. the Word of our God remains forever..time can not erode Him. devils cannot kill Him. they were kicked out of heaven..He is the Author and Finisher of everything! including me... and i have feeble faith..weak as i am..i am dependent on Him and He is strong!! He is mighty to save! Nothing and no one can make my Inheritance fade away!
reserved in heaven for you,

He is reserved...waiting..already there. He is prepared. He is sanctified.. He sanctified Himself for our sakes..us who are His children.. He is waiting in heaven for us.. reserved in all His glory. in all His power in all His majesty. the God of heaven is reserved for me...me?..

it is hard to fathom sometimes.. i cannot even understand really.. except with the little bit He gives me... but i believe by faith and having not seen HIM... i love Him and believe in Him... i know what Jesus has done for me..in me.. only Holy Spirit can do what has been done in me... and most dont know.. they dont see..they dont know me before...but GOD knows... i was in line after Paul when he said i am the chief of sinners...i think in my "church" i can claim that title...but HE still died for me..while i was His enemy.. dead in trespasses.. He loved..He died. He obeyed Father by the things He suffered He learned obedience... and i follow Jesus and i want this too. obey Him. obey Father. Christ in me the hope of glory. Christ living in my, glorifying Father.. still.. on the earth..

God of all creation.. reserved in heaven for me. He is waiting..and He is making me a pure and spotless bride for Him that i may stand blameless before Him.. to receive my Inheritance and be with Him forever in the secret place.
⁵ who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
⁶ In this you greatly rejoice,
i do , i do , i do!!!! i rejoice that He keeps me. i am kept by the power of God..i can not keep myself.. i am a sheep. i go astray, i get confused, i make wrong decisions, i am a measly human and HE IS GOD! He keeps me. i am saved by Him and safe in Him! nothing can take me out of my Father's hand. Father gave me to Jesus. He keeps me..oh and i am so ready for salvation!!!! but Father.. Daddy says i am not... this is why i am still here..being refined. because He loves me..He cares for me...sometimes i have sorrow upon sorrow and the weight of it is crushing.... but like i said.. i came from something like maybe the swamp thing.. a pig of pigs...apparently i need ALOT of refining... or maybe HE just wants to make me really shiny and glorious for Himself..for HIS glory...

it is love. His love. in this i am content and happy. in this i am blessed. that i am one of God's people. He calls me His own.. He is making me a jewel in His crown. much polishing..much heating..much fire...is needed to remove the impurities...many trials.. this is what is happening...God's work...God's hand...GOD trying me.

i listened to a sermon last night... this stuck: from ... Job 7.17-18

What is man, that You should exalt him,

      That You should set Your heart on him,

 That You should visit him every morning,
      And test him every moment?

God tests man every moment..we give an account for every idle word spoken..every deed..everything..after we have been saved..our sins are forgiven...if we are His...but He tries man every moment..

and the preacher said have you ever felt like that..you knew God was testing you..and yes.. lately i have been very aware at the moment of testing that He is watching me.. watching my reaction looking directly at me..

and i feel helpless and dont wan tto fail the test..and dont know what to do..do i cry can i get on my knees in the middle of walmart and cry out to HIM.. if i do im sure that i will not stop crying and pretty soon they will be calling 911 because this person needs help!

im aware of teh test and i dont know if im failing or passing... but i feel sorrow because im sure... in my mind... that ive already failed and disappointed Him... i dont wan tto disappoint Him... this is my biggest concern...

now that i have to do the trial over as i hear people say happens... im not sure where that is in Scripture...

but i just want to  please Him...

i know He is trying me at every moment.. and it has become for me..if i pay attention.. like some kind of other sense... like when a deer is drinking water..she stops. looks up. and stands there verrrry still.

something is there. next thing you know her tail is up and she is darting off in to the forest.

but no one can run from God. i learned this too. it hurts more to run from GOD. He is in control, not me.

though now for a little while,
...little?? c'mon Peter!!!! yes it is a little while compared to eternity... but the trials have been steady increasing over 3 and a half years...and they come closer and closer together..not quite like Job's..bam bam bam!.. but increasing, piling up, feeling the weight..like birth pangs...steady increasing in intensity and closer together...
if need be,
you have been grieved by various trials,

yes... grieved...in sorrow and heaviness it seems without end.. but i have a Living Hope..

they seem unbearable.. the trials.. the sorrow mostly..this sorrow upon sorrow....

but He thinks.. or KNOWS i need it...so i trust Jesus.
⁷ that the genuineness of your faith,  
being much more precious than gold that perishes,
though it is tested by fire,
may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

(this is what i hope for and want. His praise...for Him to be praised and honored and glorified! which He is!.. but in me..it would be worth it. He is...He is worth it all...just have to remember...He is worth it.. not me... but HE IS)
⁸ whom having not seen you love. 

Though now you do not see Him, yet believing,

you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,

⁹ receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

more later...
Jesus... please let me remember to come back to this..
so i can remember..remind myself...
YOU, Lord, are worth it all. every ounce of suffering. every tear and pain.
what You did for me is nothing compared to my suffering...
i dont think i can really call it suffering...i have not endured unto blood shed,
yet.

definition of...

 

TIRED

–adjective

1. exhausted, as by exertion; fatigued or sleepy: a tired runner.

2. weary or bored (usually fol. by of ): tired of the same food every day.

3. hackneyed; stale, as a joke, phrase, or sermon.

4. Informal . impatient or disgusted: You make me tired.

—Synonyms

1. enervated. Tired, exhausted, fatigued, wearied, weary  suggest a condition in which a large part of one's energy and vitality has been consumed. 
One who is tired  has used up a considerable part of his or her bodily or mental resources: to feel tired at the end of the day.   
One who is exhausted  is completely drained of energy and vitality, usually because of arduous or long-sustained effort: exhausted after a hard run.  
One who is fatigued  has consumed energy to a point where rest and sleep are demanded: feeling rather pleasantly fatigued.   
One who is wearied  has been under protracted exertion or strain that has gradually worn out his or her strength: wearied by a long vigil.  
Weary  suggests a more permanent condition than wearied: weary of struggling against misfortunes.

—Antonyms

1.  rested; energetic.

LORD... could i have some antonyms please? 
 

the difference...at a crossroads

here i am God. You saved me. You loved me and now i love You.
want nothing more than to give You everything. my life which is nothing. my love which is nothing.
my dreams.. which i don't really even remember what they were... they are gone now.
my only dream is to be with You someday. and to serve You while i wait here in this world which i hate.
im lost without You.

a long time ago You saved a little girl who would have surely died under the weight of hopelessness in her home. would have gone to hell without ever a chance at life here or eternally..
if not for Your love and compassion. there was no hope for me from the very beginning.
Had not Your Love saved me.. where would i be... i remember the difference.. i longed to go to church.
though it was not a church that taught me to pray to You..i did anyway. You were there with me.
i saw You. i got to pray to You. i read Your Word.. i was consumed in it. i loved it. i could not understand why people would not repent...yet i was only 7... why would they not repent and turn to this wonderful God who loved them? nobody listens much to children... they did not listen to me... parents..teachers..nobody...
and then i thought You were not listening...
i dont know where this child disappeared to.. the one that loved You so much. the one that Loved Your Word..the one who hid the Bible when her mom walked in the room. i dont remember what made me lose hope in You.. i dont remember why i turned away...
but i do know that You never left me...
You never left me. and i know there words of Yours are true. "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
i remember crying out to You through the years. i remember You speaking to me...
but i didnt know it was You... somehow i always prayed...off and on i prayed...i would search for You in churches.. i searched for You in other religions.. i searched for You in the world ..of evil things.. and deeds.. but they did not fill me. they did not save me they did not comfort.. only destroyed me...
You, Jesus were the only one who never left... people left.. they told me to go. they beat me. the world beat me. the alcohol beat me. the system beat me. the devil beat me down.
You lifted me up... when i cried out to you many years later enough i had had of eating the pigs food.
living in the mud. You ran at me with open arms and hugged my neck.
You were there and oh what JOY oh what LOVE HE did love me!!! You did love me after all!! You did not put me here to torture me!!! YOU LOVED ME!!!!!
what Love. what joy what peace. finally!!!
yet i had forgotten that i had ever walked with You for a time as a child...
i guess the devil tried to steal that from me... and You.. does he still think he can win Jesus?
    From the moment i was back with You... returned to You.. no longer playing the harlot...
in Love with my Husband , my Creator, my Friend my Savior... i wanted to let everyone know
about You Jesus... people who knew me saw the change that comes with true repentance and a relationship with You... You took me back. You took me back. so many never wanted to see me again. hoped i would go.. Yet You never ever left. how patient you are. how kind You are Jesus.
i want nothing more than to be like You. to be conformed to Your image..to have Your characteristics .. Your holiness, goodness, obedience, patience, love, joy, peace, gentleness,.. so much.. long-suffering..
if You were not long-suffering surely You would have cast me in to hell and You would not be true to Your word. But You are faithful to the promises You make.
what a difference You have made in me.
YOU are the difference Jesus, Son of God.
you brought me from death to Life.
from wickedness to Righteousness
from filthy rags to Holiness
from despair to Hope... in You.
from loving the world..sin..drinking...shopping, food, TV, relationships, things, trinkets, education, work..
all trying to fill the whole in my life with those things....
to the hole being filled with Your Holy Spirit...
You baptized me with Your Spirit and i knew Joy that i had never know..laughter that made my sides feel like they would burst.
You let me know i am loved... people do not. they cannot. they know not how.
but You do. You understand me i do not understand me...still five years later... i know less of me than then. and i know more of Who You are..and i only want to serve You.
for  a while You wooed me, loved me, answered every prayer ..it seemed... i was so eager about life.. telling people about You even at work You gave me a job where i could pass out tracts. where i could talk freely about You even thought they thought i was a freak...told me there was a place in Waco for me...
but You used me there... i know You did Lord. a mormon, a catholic, an atheist and a born again believer. what a pile of clay that was amidst all those rocks and landscaping materials... Who can understand Your ways? what joy it gave me to  serve You even in that way.. i wasn't in any kind of "ministry" but i got to spread Your Gospel right where i was. and i knew i was used. i felt i was used. i thought i had a purpose.
the people who were once "friends" slowly.. well they dint want to talk to me so much anymore
except if they needed money... or prayer.. but i wasn't fun anymore.. i didnt do what they did...what i had did... i was "never around".. No. i was never around. i was at home reading my Bible. was at home praying, crying out to You , loving You and knowing You loved me. i was dancing for You in my living room. i was hungry for You. i wanted You more than food for my body. Yet You are the food for my body. i wanted no more shopping for clothes...You had clothed me with Your righteousness. i wanted no more of the people i knew.. i had you. i did not have to try and depend on them.. they never helped anyway... only took from me. they took much from me. but YOU GAVE YOURSELF for ME. me. vile, wretched, despicable, gutter rat me.
You mad me desire You. Your Word. to be Holy. You gave me a desire to go to the ends of the earth and tell people about You even if it meant i be killed. i would leave everything behind. mother told me how dare i even consider going to another country (if only even for two weeks) and leave children behind...
i would leave everything for You Jesus. none had loved me like You. no one loves me like You.
i have left it all behind now Jesus... five years later as You have baptized me in Your fire.
friends...they weren't my friends.
jobs. well...the persecution  of being a religious freak finally showed up... more than once... i was deceived and fell into sin another time...yet You took me back...with hard chastisement..thank you that You consider me a daughter. how stupid of me.. You spoke and spoke anything that does not line up with the Word of God is a lie... over and over and then You were quiet and said no more... until broken and starving in famine i came to You like Joseph's brothers came to him in Egypt ... the brother they had sold in to slavery the brother they despised..and tried to kill...You had turned Your head and cried...Yet You forgave and was glad to see me when i came to You..You forgave... again and again and again my whole life...You gave Your life to forgive me and save me from myself the terror of me the indwelling sin which i so despise. You gave Your life to make me a daughter of Your Father. Who is a God like You??
You have delivered me from death, from so much. so so much. i only long to see others know who You are. about Your love. what You can do. what YOU GAVE. the power of Your blood the power of Your Spirit. the changes You have wrought in me and continue to do so.
in this fire...things have been taken away.. some over and over...i left the college behind to serve You. i wanted to go to christian school to learn about You all day. not knowing what you wanted me to do..i just was tired about learning about the world.. i wanted to sit and hear about You. one thing is needed. and it will not be taken from me. the one thing. to sit at Your feet. and learn of You and love You.

and here am i Lord. i still love You. more in love with You. sometime so confused by You.
confused by everything around me. yet You let me sit at Your feet.
and sometimes i just weep and sleep at Your feet. i have no strength for anything else.
i cling to You for dear life. i want to be with You Jesus. where You are. i know it is far better to be with You than here on this earth. Yet it is not my time. You say. and i long to serve You .. somehow.. whatever way that is.. but i do not know. i have love to give. it is rejected. i have testimony to give but it is not heard. i have hope to share. but no one to give it too. i am trapped in this cubicle and am growing in despair day by day.
thinking i am not in Your will not doing what You made me to do. it gave me joy to share about You. to tell about You. to serve You when and where i could. but i can go no where now. i have words to speak that You give. but none to listen. i have Life inside me to give yet none want it. is this how You felt?
i have food not of this world. i have power You have given to raise the dead. the walking dead and the physically dead.
You say to do these things. i will. but how? how can i God. i have no communication with the outside world.
oh sure face book. church i go to. but talk with no one except for a casual greeting. but no real communication.
is this what You intended for my life. i have Your light in me. but it is hidden under a bushel. i do not want it hidden. i am at a crossroads God and You know this Jesus. this life of mine brought so much pain and degradation. things no one should be exposed to.. comparable to the suffering in a war time prison camp or maybe even what people experienced in the holocaust.. in the trauma suffered... the effects still linger.. a residue..but it makes me have com[passion for hurting people and i can t hold this in any longer i want o help people with what You have given. yet i am not aloud. i am rejected where i live. not even able to get a recommendation letter for service else where... it thought i was where You wanted me. i dont know anymore. i need You to tell me... slowly things here get worse... the light of hope grows dimmer.
depression and despair overtake me.. i want to be used of You... i those around me to have a life worth living.
yet it is not here. trapped in this cell. this cave. so hard to breathe in here sometimes. stifling.
music has lost its appeal. sometimes i even hate it Jesus. and the difference is... i used to only sing to YOU. woke with a song in my heart. went to bed with a song in my heart... to You. now this is so rare..
it is hard to focus on Your Word. the only time i have alone with You is at night. and it is hard to stay awake. to read. to focus.. i miss the hours immersed in Your Word..the hours i had with You..
what happened? where did You go? where did i go?
i must have this back.!!!
this time with You. worshiping You. listening, talking, reading learning.studying. at Your feet.
i must provide a better life for the ones You have entrusted to me.
this is not it. where we are. this situation.. this isolation cell...
to get time back with You and make things better for all of us... i only see a crossroads..
here or there... where? what do i do Jesus?
do we stay or do we go?
will You use me here and i get to spend time with You again... im so starving for You... the joy is gone.. hope dwindles...food is sparse... i cant live on regurgitated food. i need my own that YOU give me!!! PLEASE!!!
sometimes my throat is so dry i cannot drink. there is no water in this dry and weary land. i am desperate. for You. for change. for the something new... that ive been hearing about for years now... this new thing You are doing....i have a few days Lord.. i cannot face another year like this...so  if i dont serve here.. then we will go. i dont know what Your will is..i only want Your will...but i am so hungry for You so desperate for You to serve You... we will go..and wont be isolated...i will once again get to be immersed in YOU. and those around me will have a life with sunshine for health and bones. friends. fresh air and not weeping and despair all around... i do not know Your will for me. i thought i did. oh i thought i did so many times...i was doing right..waiting for the right thing...doing the right thing...thought it was You... i know nothing..am nothing. have no hope in anything or anyone but YOU.
i hope You will restore unto me the joy of my salvation. i hope You find me worthy of my calling. i hope please You i hope i get to be alone with You more. i hope in being with You someday is the only thing that keeps me going. church service feeds me while im there.. a little...
i used to be desperate to get there..feeling like i would literally die if i did not go and get fed.
now.. i feel sometimes i will die, IF i go. the difference...
its been so long and i am useless and hated and scorned...it is not a safe place for me. i can not get fed and fight to live at the same time... when the food feels like it is thrown at me and i am mocked where i come to eat and get refuge and drink..what do i do Jesus? what do i do??? no matter what i do there it seems as if it is not right. im hungry so so hungry tha ti have bloated in my physical weight yet i am hungry for spiritual food i am not getting. when the enemies are around yo have to eat fast on your toes..no time to savor the meal. no time to chew.. but has to be swallowed whole.
the digestive process is messed up and im left wanting. does a shepherd feed his sheep and fight the enemy at the same time? im not a shepherd in the wilderness... but i dont think that is how it worked.
im lost Lord. i want only to do Your will but i know not what to do. i dont hear You calling me. i dont see You. i dont smell YOU. no other sheep around me..night is falling.. where do i go what do i do.
please tell me. GOD please tell me. i dont want to do the wrong thing. i dont want to go the wrong way.
i wanted family. YOUR Family. i wanted fellowship. real fellowship. i wanted to learn more of You. i wanted to be with those who love YOU. but im alone. too many bad thoughts i suppose. legions of them so i am rejected. unwanted and hated by the majority. does majority rule in Your kingdom?
i want so much to reach out an d love yet i am continually misunderstood. i want to spend time with the people who love You. but im alone. and so i can be alone at the other place. but i can be alone with You.
and i can "watch" in peace there if i am not needed where i am Lord. please make this clear. please tell me where to go and what to do. Father-- HELP me. PLEASE. i only want to do what i hear Jesus tell me to do.

i want to obey. i want to please. i want to live holy and i want to serve YOU. i dont really want to go Lord. but i think i have no other choice. maybe too much damage is done. we are only human. them and me.

what do YOU want LORD? what do YOU want. i cant be anyone but who You made. but something has to give. something has to FORgive. and talk about it openly. i know this is true. i know this is true and guts need to be splattered all over the floor. noses dripping with snot and eyes red from tears. yet what is keeping this from happening. pride? thinking nothing wrong saying it never bothered..what is it...walls need to be smashed. im sitting at the base...waiting..i tired before..i stood up in front of everyone and asked forgiveness... yet no one said a word to me afterward.... i keep having to ask forgiveness..but how to i ask forgiveness for my thoughts...which no one knows but me...or maybe they perceive...by my downcast face something not right.. not happy...what can i do to make things right God what can i do do i go to each and every person and say im sorry for this..im sorry for whatever i did...im sorry i did something... but i dont know what it was i did... can you forgive me

i really want to be a part of this family in God...but my own flesh and blood family didnt want me.... i know when its time to move on...a soldier can smell that smell.... the silence.. that shouldnt be so silent...

somethings not right.... i dont think were in kansas anymore...

if i must be alone than i would rather be alone else where Jesus. if i am to serve YOU. please make it happen.

if i am to go. then please arrange a clear path. either way.... i need Your blessing. Your will to be done not mine. but if i dont know anything by the first... im starting the process of going on with a really new year else where... i dont know what You want me to do Lord. i dont know. please help me. please show me the way that You have made for me to do good works that You prepared from before the foundation of the world.

Your will not mine be done Jesus for glory to You and Daddy.

faithful

“And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write,
‘These things says He who is holy, He who is true,  
“He who has the key of David,  
He who opens and no one shuts, and shuts and no one opens”:
“I know your works. See, I have set before you an open door,
and no one can shut it;
for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name.
Indeed I will make those of the synagogue of Satan, who say they are Jews and are not, but lie—
indeed I will make them come and worship before your feet, and to know that I have loved you.
Because you have kept My command to persevere,
I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world,
to test those who dwell on the earth.
Behold, I am coming quickly!
Hold fast what you have, that no one may take your crown.
He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he shall go out no more.
I will write on him the name of My God and the name of the city of My God,
the New Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God.
And I will write on him My new name.
“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”’
Revelation 3.7-13

Living Martyr by Wagdi Iskander

Prepare to meet your GOD

i'd rather walk in the fire of the furnace with Jesus
than eat the world's delicacies or bow down to the golden image.

Woman, why weepest thou?

i just found this treasure chest of more free books to read online.
no...since i read Broken for a Purpose i have found no purpose for my life.
although i wiash to be used of Him i dont know it will ever happen.
my life is not my own. i have no will. it is all His. but i sit in pain and sorrow
and suffering and wait for Him. it seems as thought He has shut up His ears to me
and no longer sshows His face to me.
i am in despair one moment and numb the next.
but someday i will be with Him.
this i wait for,
i know im born of the Spirit.
so God cannot lie. unless He is casting me away.. i will get to be with Him. i think i am unprofitable servant.
God says all those who come to Me i will in no wise cast out. im not sure what is going on.
but for His name's sake and His glory i beleive i will go to heaven to be with Him.
i pray He doesnt tell me He never knew me.
because i sure love Him and i have only wanted Him above all else.
so anyway here is the link to the book.."Woman, Why Are You Weeping?"
i wonder if you read it maybe you would comment. about it.
i sure would like someone to talk to..even if it is only on a blog.

Showing Jesus By Our Life

i love you Uncle Zac

its real. the war is real

-if this war is real...and it IS...For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
(Ephesians 6.12)

-but the Lord has already won it...~He Himself likewise shared in the same, that through death He might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, 15 and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.
(Hebrews 2.14-15)

-yet He fights for me...The LORD your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes..
(Deuteronomy 1.30)

-stand strong and see the salvation of the Lord...
You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the LORD is with you.”
2 Chronicles 2.17

but there are so many battles.. and so many
casualties.. wounded... dying.. is there hope?
why do soldiers leave each other behind?
why are soldiers not treated equally among each other..
in this battle not of flesh and blood.. there is only One Commander..
there are no 1st Sergeants, no brass butter bars, no PFC's and no Colonels.

ONE God. One Shepherd. One Lord. ONE ARMY.
not army of one...

One Body? well who attends to the sucking chest wound...who applies gauze to the bleeding.
who applies the tourniquet? what if someone shoots their toe off? does the whole body get thrown out of the army?
where is the camaraderie? or you might say unity....
i will tell you..
it is being devoured by the enemy as one another nit pick and backbite,
gossiping and not loving.
But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
(Galatians 5.15)
they are not letting the wounds in the body heal, but are infecting them more
and tearing off the scab re-opening the wound.
some walk with a limp.
some with crippled hands.
some with brokenness.

constant defeat on the battlefield leads to hopelessness
and despair. Paul despaired of life.
He was treated very bad by the people of God.

where is the one who will help his or her brethren? where are the Pauls and Timothys? Where are good men like Titus? Where are the modern Lydias and Tryphena and Tryphosa Where is Peter? Where is Chloe?
Where is Jesus walking now?
are christians so selfish that they will turn from the wounded
and dying with their nose in the air as if nothing is happening?




didnt Christ die for ALL HIS BRETHREN? did not Father give them too HIM?
where is the one who is not afraid of helping others? no matter who they are
or what they have done?? God has mercy...
are we not to follow in Christ's footsteps?
He did say "Follow Me." (Mark 8.34) He said "follow Me" over and over...


Tell me...is the battle against satan with the Body of Christ as one unified front able to defeat the enemy?
or is it the body of Christ fighting amongst themselves, tearing each other apart.
Agape love grows so cold...it is like ice.. and hard hearts.

For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this:
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Galatians 5.14

suffer in silence

.... unanswered prayer.

fainting in my heart?
You heard me..
why did You not save me.
i was a little girl.
never given a chance at life from the moment
i was conceived.
no purity.
worse than a leper.
yet his disease was only skin deep...
mine ravaged my body
and engulfed my soul.
still i am effected.
still You have not delivered me.
though You promise too?
maybe im wrong.
no unclean thing will enter heaven.
You saved me.
what will you do with me.
i cant stand my flesh.
i cant stand myself.
and i have no more will to live.

grace to suffer well

pray for.... grace to suffer well.

this is a request for missionaries in north India trying to reach people
with the Gospel of Peace.. the name of Jesus Christ.
the only name given among men where by we must be saved. ( Acts 4.12)

what does suffer well mean?

does this mean not opening my mouth.? like Jesus?
He was led as a sheep to the slaughter; And as a lamb before its shearer is silent,
so He opened not His mouth. (Acts. 8.32)

when slandered we try to reconcile? (1 Corinthians 4.13)
Love our enemies, do good to those who hate you? (Matt. 5.43-48)

to do anything well. is to do  it like Jesus. God. He does all things well. (Mark 7.37)
so He is my example in which to suffer. Called to suffer. Chosen to suffer.
Adopted into the family of God. God is my Father.
i want to please Him.
Abba. Father. Daddy!!
And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts,
crying out, “Abba, Father!” (Galatians 4.4-7)
...you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” (Romans 8.15)

there is no other reason i would even think of suffering for..except my children.
and maybe another brother or sister...but we are to lay down our life for Him.
this, i will gladly do, rejoicing that i be found worthy to suffer for His Name's sake.
Lord, give me grace to suffer well.
Like You.
remember, i want to to be just like You.
with all fruits of the Spirit. You are the joy set before me Jesus.
outside the camp i was the joy set before You.
i will follow You wherever you go...
where else can i go? to whom can i go to?
there is no other i run to but You...
let it always be so Jesus.
let my heart always seek after You.
follow You, pant after You.
my soul thirst more and more for You,
Jesus. For You said,
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be filled.

please. more grace Lord. more direction Holy Spirit. more comfort please. more Love Father.
more of You Jesus. please more grace. and so much less of me. more grace. grace upon grace.
stamp eternity on my eyelids.
YOU are eternity for me.
let me see You always before me.
i pray for grace to suffer well , Jesus.

im His

"You are Mine."

He said to me in the midst of sorrow and tears over my 

wretchedness and just wanting to read the Bible.. but everything against me;

and my flesh-- enemy number one. i hate my flesh..

this battle between flesh and spirit.

But i am His. He comforted me-- GOD comforted me... me-- of all people!

..." I will put my Laws in their mind, and in their heart I will write them,
and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. ~ Hebrews 8.10

what a waste

what's a waste you might ask?
here let me tell you...
my life.
my day.
the time spent trying to tell someone
i want to serve God..
yet i could have spent all that time reading His Word
i know im nothing.
im no charles spurgeon. no sarah edwards. no paul. no peter
im not a lydia or anna. im proably real close to judas... but the Lord took me back..so maybe i kinda am like Peter...
but my life is a waste. im not any famous person. im not pretty or attractive
i have no degree. ive lost everything i own. people look at me and think im just a waste of ahuman being.
im sure if the Nazi leadership could have  had me i would have been eradicated as one with handicap..useless to society.. a burden to society..
my life is wasted.
all i ever wanted to do was serve God.
without Him i have no reason for anything
if i cant serve Him
what am i here for?
i thought He called me...
i must be wrong.
it was just my head.
what a waste.

a picture says a thousand words.

broken for a purpose

ive just downloaded this book.. for FREE. by Gisela Yohannan..
she is KP Yohannan's wife from Gospel for Asia. www.gfa.org

i love Bro. KP though i have never met him he is a wonderful brother and godly man
and he loves Jesus and lost people... as well as the brethren.

im hoping to get some womanly and motherly type encouragement to keep going. to keep running.
i do not have a woman to encourage me or teach me... though i wish with all my heart that i did.
i am so lonely. and have to figure this out for myself, which is not how God wanted it to be according to HIS Word. this angers me and breaks me with sorrow at the same time....

but all the books from the gfa resources you can download for free. i am going to read this book..and i may write on it.. what ever Lord says. i feel very separated from Him now..i don't know what i have done.
maybe this is a test.
i do not know.

so here is a link to the book.   Broken for a Purpose

if you are hurting and confused and broken.. and you still love Jesus.. ipray you press on into Him.
its hard..i know..believe me i'm struggling too. waiting only for His glorious appearing, this is my hope

Dear God....

Dear God...
i admit i can do nothing. im sorry for all the trouble and pain i cause. i admit i am weak. i am poor and miserable.. probably blind and naked too. im just a little girl Lord. selfish probably because i keep messing everything up. can you help me? thats a dumb question...i KNOW You can.. will You..?
im all alone on this road. im scared. im sad. and i really really NEED You. i look and i cant see you. i listen and i cant hear you. have you given up on me? i know i know what His Word says... but im talking to Jesus from my heart the way a little child does.. Jesus im scared and there is big monsters all around. im cold and hungry and im waiting and waiting but you never show.
where did You go? hide and seek i do not like. the people in the building where you have set me.. they look at me all with evil mean looks so i try not to look at them. it is like i am covered in mud and poop. dirty messy hair and ripped dirty clothes. i am a poor beggar child. a peasant child. an unwanted child..i did not meet a death in the mother's womb... but i am a child walking this earth and it seems behind every place is scary monster and a evil witch. i dont find angel hands to help me. i dont find healing hands.  i dont find loving hands to reach out and pull me up... only ones to shew me away... like a stray dog.
Daddy? i wonder if you have forgotten me. or maybe you've cast me away. its been three and a half years
and there is no fruit.
i hope you wont cast me away. i hope you will still love me
and see something of you that is worthy to remain in your vineyard.
im real tired and i think i will just lay down in this road now. i dont know which way to go. i got turned around dizzy and fell down. now i dont know which is the way i came from and which is the way to go.
i dont know what you want me to do or where you want me to go.
so Dear God...
i will lay down here until you come for me..somehow, someway to tell me where to go... to send someone to help.
maybe You will come in Your glorious Light that i long for with all Your Love and Beauty.
when i see You i feel safe. when i dont see you and cant see You.. You hiding Your face from me..
i feel desperate and terribly sick and afraid... like maybe You dont want me anymore.
i hope this is not true. what would i do with out You.
who do i have in heaven or on earth besides You?

thankful for Jesus

holidays..so called thanksgiving. do we need a day .a national day to celebrate...only once a year are we thankful? like CHRISTmas..only once a year do we remember Christ and His birth..His leaving heaven to come here and suffer...and then on "easter" we celebrate death, resurection, Life of our Savior.
holidays make my heart hurt. is this only when people show each other love?
no.. because while some people are celebrating others are hurting..lonely..others die around the holidays because of loneliness it does kill.
the first thanksgiving..those "pilgrims" were greatful and thankful to be out from under the tyranny of the british rule and the CHURCH... the monarchy....
it wasnt about football games or shopping online or some getting drunk or people fighting or making jokes about each other..
it was REALLY about Jesus. it was about the Man of sorrows..our great High Priest who knew suffering and sorrow and death and could relate and is still sympathetic to our infirmities..i know this is not the right wording..paraphrase of the scripture i am thinking of... He bore our infirmities and tasted death..He took the wrath of GOD that was meant for me...and you.. upon HImself..Him who knew no sin was made sin for us.
guilt grief shame degradation.. things He never knew..had no cause to know because He was without sin. took mine upon Himself..all that ive ever done or will do...i can hardly bear my own  when it happens or it is brought to my remembrance and i must repent. yet He bore it all at once..my sins that i have not yet done..were on Him. oh that i would never sin again. but He already paid for the sins. on a tree. cursed is everyman who hangs on a tree. it shoulda been me. but i could never pay for my sins. i am filthy sinner without a way to appease God. no matter how many times i would ask forgiveness and try to be better He would not forgive me had Jesus His Son not took this sin upon Him..The sinless spotless Lamb who takes away the sin of the world. i dont have enough money for milk much less to buy my way out of sin.
it was a price only Jesus could pay.
why why would you do this for me Jesus? i am looked upon by man with reproach and disgust. i am hated an misunderstood. i make mistake after mistake. i am still so messed up though You live in me?
i am not thankful for sin. i hate sin. i hate my sin i hate evil i hate everyone's sin it has caused so much suffering in theis world. i know what it has done to just one person.. me..i have seen it radiate outward and touch many..it all effects every single person on this earth because we are all one blood and all living on this cursed earth under this curse of indwelling sin in our flesh. i know apart from You there is nothing good in me. if you were not in me i would have no hope whatsoever. this world..this world..is a sorrowful place. hunger. hate. bleeding dying people..crying children. men beating women. women getting hurt. children covering their eyes and ears. people lying and stealing. adultery violence all over. thieves stealing money stealing food stealing lives forcing women and children into slavery... i could not bear to live in tehis world without You without hope of being with you one day. iguess this is what kept You going when You were in the Garde..knowing You would be seperated from Father while you bore the sin... the weight of sin of untold millions..and His wrath all at once. ultimate suffering You took...Jesus i think You could go on because You trusted Father..that He woul not leave You.that You would be reunited with Him.
i can go on because i know i will get to be with You..yet i dont want to yet i do.
because i live for You and it is Your will.
im lonely here. im lonely for You yet you are hear..putting me thru a test..hiding Your face from me..why do You hide Your face from me Lord?? i long for fellowship with believers. real..in person fellowship.. with adults..talking about You  studying about You..
am i not abiding in You? is this why you dont answer? i have asked over and over please tell me what i have done. without You i cannot make it. without talking to You or hearing from You i will cry out my God my God why have You forsaken me????? yet i know You are true to Your Word for Your namesake.. you wont ruin Your Holy name.
im not worthy of you. this was a great price.. You are the pearl of great price for me.. i am not needed by you. not needed by man. why would You do this. why would You do what You did? what good am i to You.
about as good as a flea on a mouse.
Lord. i love you. i am thankful for you..if right now i said i was thankful for anything else i would be lying.
so i will not say i am thankful. for anything else. many are suffering right now without knowing you.
i am thankful for You. that You are Faithful.
someday i will have joy again. on this earth? im not sure...tribulation and suffering..i AM sure of...joy i dont know. momentary laughter..maybe...but joy will come when the Morning Star rises...when He comes to take vengeance on the earth. When i hear my Beloved call me to HIm..to come Home. when i hear the last trumpet..or before then..whenever You call me home...then i will have joy. forevermore.
no good thing dwells within me. no one seeks after God. no not one. they have all gone astray.. all turned away.. seeking their own...there is no one who does good  no not one.
all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
i am thankful for You Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit.