various trials *edited*

...in this you greatly rejoice,
(Jesus, salvation, God Himself.. my joy is from Him and thinking of Him)
though now,   for a little while,
if need be,
you have been grieved
by various trials,....

i have to write on this specifically.. again.

will come back to edit. as i read more in teh linguistic key..

it as if God wrote it for me...and you..if you have been grieved by various trials...

the grieve is mental suffering.. not pain..but the effects of mental suffering..

the trials.. undeserved suffering from without...
the Lord is really helping me with this..
thank you Jesus. Holy Spirit
for giving me a desire to learn and eat from your word
and to study. to know You more and this letter You have written to us
who love You.
will return to edit..

***edit , added actually...below***
so i heard a message by K.P. Yohannan called Just Following Jesus
and he mentioned a book he read.. i read it.. here's the link.

"The Release of the Spirit" by Watchman Nee

it helped me to understand even more what trials are for and why i have been experiencing them for so long now....years.. over three..non-stop, no vacation...
i dont have anything to say right now... i thought i would edit this more.
but my coffee just spilt all over..
im thinking God doesnt want me writing but in the bible.
still reading 1 peter, the book over and over...

and will get back into my study

Woman, why weepest thou?

i just found this treasure chest of more free books to read online.
no...since i read Broken for a Purpose i have found no purpose for my life.
although i wiash to be used of Him i dont know it will ever happen.
my life is not my own. i have no will. it is all His. but i sit in pain and sorrow
and suffering and wait for Him. it seems as thought He has shut up His ears to me
and no longer sshows His face to me.
i am in despair one moment and numb the next.
but someday i will be with Him.
this i wait for,
i know im born of the Spirit.
so God cannot lie. unless He is casting me away.. i will get to be with Him. i think i am unprofitable servant.
God says all those who come to Me i will in no wise cast out. im not sure what is going on.
but for His name's sake and His glory i beleive i will go to heaven to be with Him.
i pray He doesnt tell me He never knew me.
because i sure love Him and i have only wanted Him above all else.
so anyway here is the link to the book.."Woman, Why Are You Weeping?"
i wonder if you read it maybe you would comment. about it.
i sure would like someone to talk to..even if it is only on a blog.

suffer in silence

.... unanswered prayer.

fainting in my heart?
You heard me..
why did You not save me.
i was a little girl.
never given a chance at life from the moment
i was conceived.
no purity.
worse than a leper.
yet his disease was only skin deep...
mine ravaged my body
and engulfed my soul.
still i am effected.
still You have not delivered me.
though You promise too?
maybe im wrong.
no unclean thing will enter heaven.
You saved me.
what will you do with me.
i cant stand my flesh.
i cant stand myself.
and i have no more will to live.