what a waste

what's a waste you might ask?
here let me tell you...
my life.
my day.
the time spent trying to tell someone
i want to serve God..
yet i could have spent all that time reading His Word
i know im nothing.
im no charles spurgeon. no sarah edwards. no paul. no peter
im not a lydia or anna. im proably real close to judas... but the Lord took me back..so maybe i kinda am like Peter...
but my life is a waste. im not any famous person. im not pretty or attractive
i have no degree. ive lost everything i own. people look at me and think im just a waste of ahuman being.
im sure if the Nazi leadership could have  had me i would have been eradicated as one with handicap..useless to society.. a burden to society..
my life is wasted.
all i ever wanted to do was serve God.
without Him i have no reason for anything
if i cant serve Him
what am i here for?
i thought He called me...
i must be wrong.
it was just my head.
what a waste.

a picture says a thousand words.

The Judgement Seat of Christ

Dear believer, once we are in the presence of God, all is over.
It is too late to correct anything. ~ Gisela Yohannan, "Broken for a Purpose"

The following is an excerpt from Broken for a Purpose ...

Do you understand and see that His testing is born out
of love for you? The more you recognize the depth of His
love, the more you will also yield to His testing.  (Pg. 73, Broken for a Purpose)

I often have thought that all these trial and testings are because i have done something wrong. i have sinned God is chastising me. Most of the modern American church, from what i have learned in a short time thinks if you are poor,  if you are sick, if you have problems.. especially one right after the other than either something is wrong with your faith..or you must be rebelling or sinning against God.

And i have also learned that the American Christians who think this don't really spend time in the Bible reading the Word and they also have little to no real intimate relationship with Jesus. Weekend warriors one might call them... This is a term active duty soldiers- the full time soldier - uses for a Reservist who is trained once a month and then goes active duty two weeks out of the year.

 Woe to them if they are called to active duty... they don't know how to live it and function day after day as a real soldier. Their hair is long if they are a man and they have to get it cut to uniform (certain length) they don't really know how to perform in their MOS, their occupation as a soldier because they are used to their job in the civilian world. They now must leave that and their families and.... now they are no longer their own boss so to speak. The rules have entirely changed. They cannot go where they want , when they want. They are under the charge of a superior officer or Enlisted soldier. Now, they must take orders, something they cannot comprehend and they have a hard time adjusting. Many kick and scoff at it, these rules, and they whine as many reservists do... they just wanted college money. It was purely selfish motive for joining the ranks of the military... to get money... or i could interpose "blessing". (People in church have misused this word and run it in to the ground, where it only means material and monetary nature...more on that later..maybe.)
Purely selfish the majority of these weekend warriors are. To them their duty is fulfilled to their Country once a month or on Sundays.. they have done their nation a service. But how dare the nation take them from their daily lives and put them active duty where they endure hardship. Lack of food, extreme weather and BATTLE!!!

It has taken a lot of time. And testing, trial and LOVE from the Lord to show me this Truth, that man has TWISTED the Scripture.. and maybe to their own destruction on these issues. These are not small. Yet the modern churchianity does not talk of this. They feed itching ears, not hungry sheep. But some fed this slop were hungry sheep and now it is struggle after struggle to undo this false teaching. i believed what people told me..well maybe you don't have enough faith. Something different i have heard at different church buildings. It all got in my skin/heart/soul like music does, or what i watch on TV (which used to be christian television who teaches this pig slop...now, i do not watch TV, period.)
It has been hard to unlearn this..and learn God's Word to me. This truth...

That the sufferings of this life are not to be compared to the eternal weight of glory to come.
ROMANS 8.18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
PHILIPPIANS 3.10
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,
2 TIMOTHY 1.8
Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God,
2 CORINTHIANS 1.5-6
For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

 2 TIMOTHY 2.3
You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

This walk with Jesus, this narrow road is not a fluffy frilly party!
It is serious business! This is war. this is battle of good and evil
this is a cry for people to hear the True Words of the Lord Jesus Christ!!! for souls in anguish to hear about Jesus!! not to live in anguish and suffering on this earth and then to suffer eternal damnation because they never had the opportunity to hear.  they hear some false preaching about just ask Jesus into your heart and then your saved. and then you will have a great fun life you will be rich and then you can ask whatever you want and He will give it to you!!! Mercedes? bling! its yours. new house? steak dinner?  $1000 handbag?
oh you got it babe! while your at it get some new shoes and new dress so you can outdo the other weekend warriors!!!!!!!

i walked into church the other day into the bathroom while some teen was taking pictures of herself in the mirror, i was genuine when i told her she looked pretty or beautiful..don't remember exactly what i said.
but i got a go-to-hell look in return.
i don't understand this. yes look nice. take care of yourself. but look at the suit above.. both of theirs... i wonder how many families that could feed.. for a year...in America.. or "lesser" parts of the world.
Christians do go hungry in India, China, Vietnam, other places..many places. they live in dirt houses is their floor they live in slums. I have way more than them... yet i have dreamed of food at night because i was hungry...

Fire. Works. Judgement Seat of Christ (2 Cor. 5.9)... provided one makes it there.. the other alternative is the Great White Throne Judgement. (Rev. 20.11)
I wonder if ole Joel will make it to the Judgement Seat of Christ... which is kind of discriminatory... but its for Born Again Believers, Children of God only...
if he makes it... what will last.. what can he lay at Jesus feet? his auditorium.. the big shiny globe for a decoration? his music... or all the people in his circus arena that he teaches his self-help glorifying man gospel too...

what nice brand new outfit can he lay at Jesus feet that Jesus could not make... Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as finely as the lilies of the field.  (Matt. 6.28-29)

i don't know if he is a son of God. but by the message he preaches and how the Holy Spirit directed me away from him on the very first TV show of his i  was sick. and angry at him that the message of his was being blared on the screen for millions to see and he never mentioned Jesus... and i was only newly to Christ.. three or four days and knew without doubt he was WRONG!

...so trials, tribulations.. Jesus said in this world we will have trouble
but take heart I have overcome the world. (John. 16.33)
He didn't say get all fancied out never expect hard times, suffering... look at what He suffered.
He learned obedience to Father by the things HE SUFFERED. (Hebrews 5.8)
God did not spare His only Son (Rom. 8.32) and it pleased Him to CRUSH-bruise Him. (Isaiah 53.10)
why should any Believer in Christ expect or think they will get off scott free in this world and be driving round in a brand new car every 3 or 4 years.  WHAT???

They have made Jesus into an idol something like a fat man dressed in a red suit.
Yes Jesus is glorified in heaven  and His hair is white like snow and He has eyes that are like flames of FIRE. (Rev. 1.14)
oh they twinkle alright....He who sits in the heavens laughs! (Psalm 2.4) but His belly does not shake like a bowl full of jelly!
I tell you their God does not exist they preach another Jesus and they will be surprised when He turns them away to eternal hellfire and justifiable damnation because God is Justified and Glorified in ALL that He does.

And the purifying of believers.... His children.. is most loving and kind...because the alternative to suffering on earth for a time... could be suffering in the Lake of Fire, eternally.
Peter was sifted like wheat by satan (Luke 22.31)
Jesus handed him over and i think this was most loving of the Lord Jesus to do this... He could have let him taste the same fate as Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.. also.

You have been called to suffer. 1 Peter 2.21
For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps:
.... to be continued.

who am i?

still reading Mrs. Yohannan's book "Broken for a Purpose"
in only a few short chapters i learn there are women...or at least A woman who has been through the struggles hard things that i am going threw and have faced...
one of the biggest IS who am i? she, too, has been through this...and to me she is like some real important woman and she gets to serve Jesus and she goes to other countries as a missionary..and etc..
and she asks herself this one night on a train...and then in the morning someone gives her a book entitled
WHO ARE YOU?  she felt so loved by Jesus that He would do that for her...
and she tells about the book and some of the scriptures in it... i will list some... to me though and i will finish the chapter to see what she has said).. they have become christian cliches that do not answer my question but cover up my question and pain in asking it... it is like they are told to me...and then shhh hurry on now.. you bother me.
here are a few... of the scriptures.. and i am in no way putting down either of the books OR the Scriptures!! no no! i am just telling my thoughts and trying to sort things out...

• I am a son of God (1 John 3:2).
• I am born of God (John 1:13).
• I am an heir of God (Galatians 4:7).
• I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
• I am accepted in the Beloved (Ephesians 1:6).
• I am blessed with all spiritual blessings (Ephesians 1:3).

These are all good and perfect and God's Word...
but sometimes to me it seems like some self-help ritual i must say.. look in the mirror and tell yourself these things. while im at it i might put on a light blue sweater and say im smart and doggon-it people like me!

i know all these scriptures are true... but i only FEEL? them sometimes...and it seems i only stand strong in them a day or two... what value am i? who am i? why am i here? i understand the Word to us..
and i believe it...with all my heart. i know what i WAS and i know what JESUS has done in me alone...only HE could have done it. not me.
i still ask these questions though..especially who am i? what is my exact purpose and what "Body" part am i  IN the Beloved.... what is my purpose what good works was i created to do for Him to His glory?

broken for a purpose

ive just downloaded this book.. for FREE. by Gisela Yohannan..
she is KP Yohannan's wife from Gospel for Asia. www.gfa.org

i love Bro. KP though i have never met him he is a wonderful brother and godly man
and he loves Jesus and lost people... as well as the brethren.

im hoping to get some womanly and motherly type encouragement to keep going. to keep running.
i do not have a woman to encourage me or teach me... though i wish with all my heart that i did.
i am so lonely. and have to figure this out for myself, which is not how God wanted it to be according to HIS Word. this angers me and breaks me with sorrow at the same time....

but all the books from the gfa resources you can download for free. i am going to read this book..and i may write on it.. what ever Lord says. i feel very separated from Him now..i don't know what i have done.
maybe this is a test.
i do not know.

so here is a link to the book.   Broken for a Purpose

if you are hurting and confused and broken.. and you still love Jesus.. ipray you press on into Him.
its hard..i know..believe me i'm struggling too. waiting only for His glorious appearing, this is my hope

please tell me

Jesus please tell me the answer to the question i asked of You.
im scared. i dont want o and i cant be apart from you
and i will obey. but if a husband means i dont have a relationship with You as i have...
this scares me sends my nerves like a cat stuck to the ceiling.
the thought of not haveing time with You loving YOu and being loved by You as i have sacres me
it is not soemthing i am willing to give up. unless you make me.


paul said the unmarried woman pleases the Lord..thinking of the things that please You.
but the married woman...pleases her husband...and is worried about please ing her husband.

please tell me show me that we wont be lost. that we would nto be sepearted.
to be apart from You.. i can not live.
you came to woman in teh bible..single woman...but after they were married it seemed you did not speak to them..wellnothing was writtne.

this is too much.
rollar coaster.
You hide from me..
is this what marirage is like
nothing of YOu..

Dear God....

Dear God...
i admit i can do nothing. im sorry for all the trouble and pain i cause. i admit i am weak. i am poor and miserable.. probably blind and naked too. im just a little girl Lord. selfish probably because i keep messing everything up. can you help me? thats a dumb question...i KNOW You can.. will You..?
im all alone on this road. im scared. im sad. and i really really NEED You. i look and i cant see you. i listen and i cant hear you. have you given up on me? i know i know what His Word says... but im talking to Jesus from my heart the way a little child does.. Jesus im scared and there is big monsters all around. im cold and hungry and im waiting and waiting but you never show.
where did You go? hide and seek i do not like. the people in the building where you have set me.. they look at me all with evil mean looks so i try not to look at them. it is like i am covered in mud and poop. dirty messy hair and ripped dirty clothes. i am a poor beggar child. a peasant child. an unwanted child..i did not meet a death in the mother's womb... but i am a child walking this earth and it seems behind every place is scary monster and a evil witch. i dont find angel hands to help me. i dont find healing hands.  i dont find loving hands to reach out and pull me up... only ones to shew me away... like a stray dog.
Daddy? i wonder if you have forgotten me. or maybe you've cast me away. its been three and a half years
and there is no fruit.
i hope you wont cast me away. i hope you will still love me
and see something of you that is worthy to remain in your vineyard.
im real tired and i think i will just lay down in this road now. i dont know which way to go. i got turned around dizzy and fell down. now i dont know which is the way i came from and which is the way to go.
i dont know what you want me to do or where you want me to go.
so Dear God...
i will lay down here until you come for me..somehow, someway to tell me where to go... to send someone to help.
maybe You will come in Your glorious Light that i long for with all Your Love and Beauty.
when i see You i feel safe. when i dont see you and cant see You.. You hiding Your face from me..
i feel desperate and terribly sick and afraid... like maybe You dont want me anymore.
i hope this is not true. what would i do with out You.
who do i have in heaven or on earth besides You?

thankful for Jesus

holidays..so called thanksgiving. do we need a day .a national day to celebrate...only once a year are we thankful? like CHRISTmas..only once a year do we remember Christ and His birth..His leaving heaven to come here and suffer...and then on "easter" we celebrate death, resurection, Life of our Savior.
holidays make my heart hurt. is this only when people show each other love?
no.. because while some people are celebrating others are hurting..lonely..others die around the holidays because of loneliness it does kill.
the first thanksgiving..those "pilgrims" were greatful and thankful to be out from under the tyranny of the british rule and the CHURCH... the monarchy....
it wasnt about football games or shopping online or some getting drunk or people fighting or making jokes about each other..
it was REALLY about Jesus. it was about the Man of sorrows..our great High Priest who knew suffering and sorrow and death and could relate and is still sympathetic to our infirmities..i know this is not the right wording..paraphrase of the scripture i am thinking of... He bore our infirmities and tasted death..He took the wrath of GOD that was meant for me...and you.. upon HImself..Him who knew no sin was made sin for us.
guilt grief shame degradation.. things He never knew..had no cause to know because He was without sin. took mine upon Himself..all that ive ever done or will do...i can hardly bear my own  when it happens or it is brought to my remembrance and i must repent. yet He bore it all at once..my sins that i have not yet done..were on Him. oh that i would never sin again. but He already paid for the sins. on a tree. cursed is everyman who hangs on a tree. it shoulda been me. but i could never pay for my sins. i am filthy sinner without a way to appease God. no matter how many times i would ask forgiveness and try to be better He would not forgive me had Jesus His Son not took this sin upon Him..The sinless spotless Lamb who takes away the sin of the world. i dont have enough money for milk much less to buy my way out of sin.
it was a price only Jesus could pay.
why why would you do this for me Jesus? i am looked upon by man with reproach and disgust. i am hated an misunderstood. i make mistake after mistake. i am still so messed up though You live in me?
i am not thankful for sin. i hate sin. i hate my sin i hate evil i hate everyone's sin it has caused so much suffering in theis world. i know what it has done to just one person.. me..i have seen it radiate outward and touch many..it all effects every single person on this earth because we are all one blood and all living on this cursed earth under this curse of indwelling sin in our flesh. i know apart from You there is nothing good in me. if you were not in me i would have no hope whatsoever. this world..this world..is a sorrowful place. hunger. hate. bleeding dying people..crying children. men beating women. women getting hurt. children covering their eyes and ears. people lying and stealing. adultery violence all over. thieves stealing money stealing food stealing lives forcing women and children into slavery... i could not bear to live in tehis world without You without hope of being with you one day. iguess this is what kept You going when You were in the Garde..knowing You would be seperated from Father while you bore the sin... the weight of sin of untold millions..and His wrath all at once. ultimate suffering You took...Jesus i think You could go on because You trusted Father..that He woul not leave You.that You would be reunited with Him.
i can go on because i know i will get to be with You..yet i dont want to yet i do.
because i live for You and it is Your will.
im lonely here. im lonely for You yet you are hear..putting me thru a test..hiding Your face from me..why do You hide Your face from me Lord?? i long for fellowship with believers. real..in person fellowship.. with adults..talking about You  studying about You..
am i not abiding in You? is this why you dont answer? i have asked over and over please tell me what i have done. without You i cannot make it. without talking to You or hearing from You i will cry out my God my God why have You forsaken me????? yet i know You are true to Your Word for Your namesake.. you wont ruin Your Holy name.
im not worthy of you. this was a great price.. You are the pearl of great price for me.. i am not needed by you. not needed by man. why would You do this. why would You do what You did? what good am i to You.
about as good as a flea on a mouse.
Lord. i love you. i am thankful for you..if right now i said i was thankful for anything else i would be lying.
so i will not say i am thankful. for anything else. many are suffering right now without knowing you.
i am thankful for You. that You are Faithful.
someday i will have joy again. on this earth? im not sure...tribulation and suffering..i AM sure of...joy i dont know. momentary laughter..maybe...but joy will come when the Morning Star rises...when He comes to take vengeance on the earth. When i hear my Beloved call me to HIm..to come Home. when i hear the last trumpet..or before then..whenever You call me home...then i will have joy. forevermore.
no good thing dwells within me. no one seeks after God. no not one. they have all gone astray.. all turned away.. seeking their own...there is no one who does good  no not one.
all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
i am thankful for You Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit.

SHOCKING DOCUMENTARY 2- False spirits invade the church - KUNDALINI WARN...

there is so much i could say about this.
i must ask God and not speak. trying to ask Him to speak for me.
only words He would speak.
but this is not right.
i do know this spirit is real. have seen it in my own church.
have been under it i believe..
and some of these ppl are infested in their soul with demons.
and in need of deliverance.
Jesus show us the truth and give us discernment to know what is of You and Holy Spirit
and what is of false spirits and antichrist.

Yielded, Blessed and Broken by Zac Poonen

Lord do your crushing work in me...
i want to be exalted over sin too and over the world and the devil
make him flee from me..OH NO!!! Jesus i know and Paul i know but who are you??
let my name be in the enemy know so i can help turn the world upside down by Your
Holy Spirit for Your glory and Your name's sake Jesus.
do what You will. may it please you to crush me even more.
i submit too you. pleas just dont leave me side Holy Spirit dont leave me and talk to me
i need Your reassurance and power and love continually to make it to even get up in the morning.
thank you Jesus.
thank you for Scripture
thankyou for YOU
thank you for uncle zac.
thank you for my other teachers.
thank you for Holy Spirit in me. teaching me and guiding me
let Your will be made known to me LORD.
thankyou.
1 peter 5.6
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you in due time...casting all your cares upon Him because He cares for you.

please exalt me over sin Lord i know i wont be perfect until the Day of Christ Jesus. but please make my thoughts pleasing to you and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You.
let me walk like You. follow you my soul following closely behind You.
hold my hand . thank you Daddy. Abba. Father. for Jesus. for You. for Holy Spirit. for being my Daddy. for being my Friend. BEST Friend. BESTEST FRIEND.
i love You.

~~~He makes us nothing in the eyes of men so we can be great in HIS eyes.~~~
uncle zac.

Isaiah 6. woe is me. please send me.

In the year that king Uzziah died I saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple.

2Above it stood the seraphims: each one had six wings; with twain he covered his face, and with twain he covered his feet, and with twain he did fly.

3And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, holy, holy, is the LORD of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.

4And the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke.

5Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.

6Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:

7And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.

8Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.

9And he said, Go, and tell this people, Hear ye indeed, but understand not; and see ye indeed, but perceive not.

10Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed.

11Then said I, Lord, how long? And he answered, Until the cities be wasted without inhabitant, and the houses without man, and the land be utterly desolate,

12And the LORD have removed men far away, and there be a great forsaking in the midst of the land.

13But yet in it shall be a tenth, and it shall return, and shall be eaten: as a teil tree, and as an oak, whose substance is in them, when they cast their leaves: so the holy seed shall be the substance thereof.

The Unconditional Love of Christ - Paul Washer

and i hear this for the third time... the first; brought me to tears as i was listening to the full length sermon. with peace by Holy Spirit covering me.
this morning i listen. and i watch pw. he is crying. i have awoken from a nightmare wherein i sinned in my sleep? is this possible?
woe is me i dwell among men of unclean lips! the unclean man is me. the race of humans with indwelling sin is me.
the desperation sin brings. the destruction and degradation and pain to humanity.
yet some wallow in it, some enjoy it, and some when born again despise it.
woe is me i dwell in a tent of unclean flesh
tormented by my own flesh my spirit wants to fly away Home!!
away from this awful body of death!
and as i watched it this second time, this short clip hoping to have joy.
i was blank. and fully aware that i deserve nothing.
and i dont know to do. i dont know how to stop what is happening.
i cry to Him and He stops the thoughts and images in the day.
and then they come at night even more vivid and im involved.
i asked Him before i went to sleep to protect my dreams, guard my heart and mind...
yet; He let my flesh take control in my vulnerability of sleep.
oh how i dont want to sleep anymore.
yest i dont want to be awake. this fight. this war between flesh and spirit.
is mine. no one to help. no one to understand exactly.
i dont understand.
He is there and He stands by and tells me to stand.
the battle is the Lord's
but im caught in the middle because satan hates God
and im God's therefore he hates me more than unregenerate men and women.
and the third time of the video..i only halfway listened..
started searching the web halfway thru...
and here is this blog as a result.