the difference...at a crossroads

here i am God. You saved me. You loved me and now i love You.
want nothing more than to give You everything. my life which is nothing. my love which is nothing.
my dreams.. which i don't really even remember what they were... they are gone now.
my only dream is to be with You someday. and to serve You while i wait here in this world which i hate.
im lost without You.

a long time ago You saved a little girl who would have surely died under the weight of hopelessness in her home. would have gone to hell without ever a chance at life here or eternally..
if not for Your love and compassion. there was no hope for me from the very beginning.
Had not Your Love saved me.. where would i be... i remember the difference.. i longed to go to church.
though it was not a church that taught me to pray to You..i did anyway. You were there with me.
i saw You. i got to pray to You. i read Your Word.. i was consumed in it. i loved it. i could not understand why people would not repent...yet i was only 7... why would they not repent and turn to this wonderful God who loved them? nobody listens much to children... they did not listen to me... parents..teachers..nobody...
and then i thought You were not listening...
i dont know where this child disappeared to.. the one that loved You so much. the one that Loved Your Word..the one who hid the Bible when her mom walked in the room. i dont remember what made me lose hope in You.. i dont remember why i turned away...
but i do know that You never left me...
You never left me. and i know there words of Yours are true. "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
i remember crying out to You through the years. i remember You speaking to me...
but i didnt know it was You... somehow i always prayed...off and on i prayed...i would search for You in churches.. i searched for You in other religions.. i searched for You in the world ..of evil things.. and deeds.. but they did not fill me. they did not save me they did not comfort.. only destroyed me...
You, Jesus were the only one who never left... people left.. they told me to go. they beat me. the world beat me. the alcohol beat me. the system beat me. the devil beat me down.
You lifted me up... when i cried out to you many years later enough i had had of eating the pigs food.
living in the mud. You ran at me with open arms and hugged my neck.
You were there and oh what JOY oh what LOVE HE did love me!!! You did love me after all!! You did not put me here to torture me!!! YOU LOVED ME!!!!!
what Love. what joy what peace. finally!!!
yet i had forgotten that i had ever walked with You for a time as a child...
i guess the devil tried to steal that from me... and You.. does he still think he can win Jesus?
    From the moment i was back with You... returned to You.. no longer playing the harlot...
in Love with my Husband , my Creator, my Friend my Savior... i wanted to let everyone know
about You Jesus... people who knew me saw the change that comes with true repentance and a relationship with You... You took me back. You took me back. so many never wanted to see me again. hoped i would go.. Yet You never ever left. how patient you are. how kind You are Jesus.
i want nothing more than to be like You. to be conformed to Your image..to have Your characteristics .. Your holiness, goodness, obedience, patience, love, joy, peace, gentleness,.. so much.. long-suffering..
if You were not long-suffering surely You would have cast me in to hell and You would not be true to Your word. But You are faithful to the promises You make.
what a difference You have made in me.
YOU are the difference Jesus, Son of God.
you brought me from death to Life.
from wickedness to Righteousness
from filthy rags to Holiness
from despair to Hope... in You.
from loving the world..sin..drinking...shopping, food, TV, relationships, things, trinkets, education, work..
all trying to fill the whole in my life with those things....
to the hole being filled with Your Holy Spirit...
You baptized me with Your Spirit and i knew Joy that i had never know..laughter that made my sides feel like they would burst.
You let me know i am loved... people do not. they cannot. they know not how.
but You do. You understand me i do not understand me...still five years later... i know less of me than then. and i know more of Who You are..and i only want to serve You.
for  a while You wooed me, loved me, answered every prayer ..it seemed... i was so eager about life.. telling people about You even at work You gave me a job where i could pass out tracts. where i could talk freely about You even thought they thought i was a freak...told me there was a place in Waco for me...
but You used me there... i know You did Lord. a mormon, a catholic, an atheist and a born again believer. what a pile of clay that was amidst all those rocks and landscaping materials... Who can understand Your ways? what joy it gave me to  serve You even in that way.. i wasn't in any kind of "ministry" but i got to spread Your Gospel right where i was. and i knew i was used. i felt i was used. i thought i had a purpose.
the people who were once "friends" slowly.. well they dint want to talk to me so much anymore
except if they needed money... or prayer.. but i wasn't fun anymore.. i didnt do what they did...what i had did... i was "never around".. No. i was never around. i was at home reading my Bible. was at home praying, crying out to You , loving You and knowing You loved me. i was dancing for You in my living room. i was hungry for You. i wanted You more than food for my body. Yet You are the food for my body. i wanted no more shopping for clothes...You had clothed me with Your righteousness. i wanted no more of the people i knew.. i had you. i did not have to try and depend on them.. they never helped anyway... only took from me. they took much from me. but YOU GAVE YOURSELF for ME. me. vile, wretched, despicable, gutter rat me.
You mad me desire You. Your Word. to be Holy. You gave me a desire to go to the ends of the earth and tell people about You even if it meant i be killed. i would leave everything behind. mother told me how dare i even consider going to another country (if only even for two weeks) and leave children behind...
i would leave everything for You Jesus. none had loved me like You. no one loves me like You.
i have left it all behind now Jesus... five years later as You have baptized me in Your fire.
friends...they weren't my friends.
jobs. well...the persecution  of being a religious freak finally showed up... more than once... i was deceived and fell into sin another time...yet You took me back...with hard chastisement..thank you that You consider me a daughter. how stupid of me.. You spoke and spoke anything that does not line up with the Word of God is a lie... over and over and then You were quiet and said no more... until broken and starving in famine i came to You like Joseph's brothers came to him in Egypt ... the brother they had sold in to slavery the brother they despised..and tried to kill...You had turned Your head and cried...Yet You forgave and was glad to see me when i came to You..You forgave... again and again and again my whole life...You gave Your life to forgive me and save me from myself the terror of me the indwelling sin which i so despise. You gave Your life to make me a daughter of Your Father. Who is a God like You??
You have delivered me from death, from so much. so so much. i only long to see others know who You are. about Your love. what You can do. what YOU GAVE. the power of Your blood the power of Your Spirit. the changes You have wrought in me and continue to do so.
in this fire...things have been taken away.. some over and over...i left the college behind to serve You. i wanted to go to christian school to learn about You all day. not knowing what you wanted me to do..i just was tired about learning about the world.. i wanted to sit and hear about You. one thing is needed. and it will not be taken from me. the one thing. to sit at Your feet. and learn of You and love You.

and here am i Lord. i still love You. more in love with You. sometime so confused by You.
confused by everything around me. yet You let me sit at Your feet.
and sometimes i just weep and sleep at Your feet. i have no strength for anything else.
i cling to You for dear life. i want to be with You Jesus. where You are. i know it is far better to be with You than here on this earth. Yet it is not my time. You say. and i long to serve You .. somehow.. whatever way that is.. but i do not know. i have love to give. it is rejected. i have testimony to give but it is not heard. i have hope to share. but no one to give it too. i am trapped in this cubicle and am growing in despair day by day.
thinking i am not in Your will not doing what You made me to do. it gave me joy to share about You. to tell about You. to serve You when and where i could. but i can go no where now. i have words to speak that You give. but none to listen. i have Life inside me to give yet none want it. is this how You felt?
i have food not of this world. i have power You have given to raise the dead. the walking dead and the physically dead.
You say to do these things. i will. but how? how can i God. i have no communication with the outside world.
oh sure face book. church i go to. but talk with no one except for a casual greeting. but no real communication.
is this what You intended for my life. i have Your light in me. but it is hidden under a bushel. i do not want it hidden. i am at a crossroads God and You know this Jesus. this life of mine brought so much pain and degradation. things no one should be exposed to.. comparable to the suffering in a war time prison camp or maybe even what people experienced in the holocaust.. in the trauma suffered... the effects still linger.. a residue..but it makes me have com[passion for hurting people and i can t hold this in any longer i want o help people with what You have given. yet i am not aloud. i am rejected where i live. not even able to get a recommendation letter for service else where... it thought i was where You wanted me. i dont know anymore. i need You to tell me... slowly things here get worse... the light of hope grows dimmer.
depression and despair overtake me.. i want to be used of You... i those around me to have a life worth living.
yet it is not here. trapped in this cell. this cave. so hard to breathe in here sometimes. stifling.
music has lost its appeal. sometimes i even hate it Jesus. and the difference is... i used to only sing to YOU. woke with a song in my heart. went to bed with a song in my heart... to You. now this is so rare..
it is hard to focus on Your Word. the only time i have alone with You is at night. and it is hard to stay awake. to read. to focus.. i miss the hours immersed in Your Word..the hours i had with You..
what happened? where did You go? where did i go?
i must have this back.!!!
this time with You. worshiping You. listening, talking, reading learning.studying. at Your feet.
i must provide a better life for the ones You have entrusted to me.
this is not it. where we are. this situation.. this isolation cell...
to get time back with You and make things better for all of us... i only see a crossroads..
here or there... where? what do i do Jesus?
do we stay or do we go?
will You use me here and i get to spend time with You again... im so starving for You... the joy is gone.. hope dwindles...food is sparse... i cant live on regurgitated food. i need my own that YOU give me!!! PLEASE!!!
sometimes my throat is so dry i cannot drink. there is no water in this dry and weary land. i am desperate. for You. for change. for the something new... that ive been hearing about for years now... this new thing You are doing....i have a few days Lord.. i cannot face another year like this...so  if i dont serve here.. then we will go. i dont know what Your will is..i only want Your will...but i am so hungry for You so desperate for You to serve You... we will go..and wont be isolated...i will once again get to be immersed in YOU. and those around me will have a life with sunshine for health and bones. friends. fresh air and not weeping and despair all around... i do not know Your will for me. i thought i did. oh i thought i did so many times...i was doing right..waiting for the right thing...doing the right thing...thought it was You... i know nothing..am nothing. have no hope in anything or anyone but YOU.
i hope You will restore unto me the joy of my salvation. i hope You find me worthy of my calling. i hope please You i hope i get to be alone with You more. i hope in being with You someday is the only thing that keeps me going. church service feeds me while im there.. a little...
i used to be desperate to get there..feeling like i would literally die if i did not go and get fed.
now.. i feel sometimes i will die, IF i go. the difference...
its been so long and i am useless and hated and scorned...it is not a safe place for me. i can not get fed and fight to live at the same time... when the food feels like it is thrown at me and i am mocked where i come to eat and get refuge and drink..what do i do Jesus? what do i do??? no matter what i do there it seems as if it is not right. im hungry so so hungry tha ti have bloated in my physical weight yet i am hungry for spiritual food i am not getting. when the enemies are around yo have to eat fast on your toes..no time to savor the meal. no time to chew.. but has to be swallowed whole.
the digestive process is messed up and im left wanting. does a shepherd feed his sheep and fight the enemy at the same time? im not a shepherd in the wilderness... but i dont think that is how it worked.
im lost Lord. i want only to do Your will but i know not what to do. i dont hear You calling me. i dont see You. i dont smell YOU. no other sheep around me..night is falling.. where do i go what do i do.
please tell me. GOD please tell me. i dont want to do the wrong thing. i dont want to go the wrong way.
i wanted family. YOUR Family. i wanted fellowship. real fellowship. i wanted to learn more of You. i wanted to be with those who love YOU. but im alone. too many bad thoughts i suppose. legions of them so i am rejected. unwanted and hated by the majority. does majority rule in Your kingdom?
i want so much to reach out an d love yet i am continually misunderstood. i want to spend time with the people who love You. but im alone. and so i can be alone at the other place. but i can be alone with You.
and i can "watch" in peace there if i am not needed where i am Lord. please make this clear. please tell me where to go and what to do. Father-- HELP me. PLEASE. i only want to do what i hear Jesus tell me to do.

i want to obey. i want to please. i want to live holy and i want to serve YOU. i dont really want to go Lord. but i think i have no other choice. maybe too much damage is done. we are only human. them and me.

what do YOU want LORD? what do YOU want. i cant be anyone but who You made. but something has to give. something has to FORgive. and talk about it openly. i know this is true. i know this is true and guts need to be splattered all over the floor. noses dripping with snot and eyes red from tears. yet what is keeping this from happening. pride? thinking nothing wrong saying it never bothered..what is it...walls need to be smashed. im sitting at the base...waiting..i tired before..i stood up in front of everyone and asked forgiveness... yet no one said a word to me afterward.... i keep having to ask forgiveness..but how to i ask forgiveness for my thoughts...which no one knows but me...or maybe they perceive...by my downcast face something not right.. not happy...what can i do to make things right God what can i do do i go to each and every person and say im sorry for this..im sorry for whatever i did...im sorry i did something... but i dont know what it was i did... can you forgive me

i really want to be a part of this family in God...but my own flesh and blood family didnt want me.... i know when its time to move on...a soldier can smell that smell.... the silence.. that shouldnt be so silent...

somethings not right.... i dont think were in kansas anymore...

if i must be alone than i would rather be alone else where Jesus. if i am to serve YOU. please make it happen.

if i am to go. then please arrange a clear path. either way.... i need Your blessing. Your will to be done not mine. but if i dont know anything by the first... im starting the process of going on with a really new year else where... i dont know what You want me to do Lord. i dont know. please help me. please show me the way that You have made for me to do good works that You prepared from before the foundation of the world.

Your will not mine be done Jesus for glory to You and Daddy.