any Geek's willing to help me?

this morning there was some thing wierd going on on my laptop.
it said i had a webcab installed in the usb.

not true. i uninstalled or something.

now i have no speakers.

i doownloaded the drivers that go with my pc.

but it says i have no audio output..
umm. hello there is built in speakers plus mine that i plug in.. for real sound.

well. nothing.
restarted.
nothing.

no sound.
this means for me...
no sermons.
no music.
so listening to scripture.
no joining in teh gfa prayer meeting on tuesdays.
it means the the money is just spent to on a class is wasted...
have to have speakers for the class...
it means...
i might as well not turn my computer on...
it means im cut off from hearing the Word of God .
faith comes by hearing.

i guess this must be the mighty hand of God.

i aksed Him if i had pride to remove it..asked HIm last night.
this must be part of it..idk.
nothing comes to me but thru Him.. right?

butim not sure what to do.
i rejoiced in suffering this morning about something else.

i guess i must have alot of pride so He has to take alot away.

i really dont know.

i just know i want to be like HIm..
so i prayed burn Your image into me.

i pray i will be like HIm.
and not like my mind.
His mind.
i have the mind of Christ.

Glory to God.
He must be doing something in me...
i can only hope.

it doesnt grow on trees

The Battle With Sin: Intro - Tim Conway

this is really good.
i thought i was alone. that i was only one with bad thoughts that plague me
sometimes. making me think i wasn't saved. such darkness, this battle sometimes.
im so glad to hear this study. thankful to Jesus for this. it gives me great relief.
i hope if you come across this blog and you are in this like some of us.. that it will help you. its helping me. but the battle is still so AWFUL.
i thought i was losing my soul. but this is part of the christian life.
LORD keep me till the end. dont let me fall away and dont let me give in.
let t he cross have marks where my nails have dug in beneath where your feet were.
dont let me go Lord. dont let me go.
im weak and i dont know how. but i know how to hold onto something for dear life.
if im hanging over the side of a cliff hanging on to the Branch im not letting go until He pulls me up and sets my feet on the flat surface.. Rock.. again.
the pharisees tried to push Jesus off that cliff.. because He was holy. because they didnt like what He was doing or saying...which He was obeying God..
the devil doesnt want me or you to obey God and so this war goes on.
i thought to myself yesterday.. i think i might rather be in a physical war on the front lines than this spiritual war. i think it is harder that being on a front line M-16. yes ppl are dying all around. smoke. explosions. tears. yelling. motorcades.
traps and snares... blood. flesh flying. shrapnel.
but there.. its not a battle for my soul. when i die i go to be with HIM.
im fighting for what ever reason on a front line.
this.. this spiritual battle seems crazy!!! i cant understand what is going on sometimes.
i cant hear Father. i cant remember scripture when im being assaulted. i try. i try. and it turns to tears and i call help JESUS. SHEPHERD!!! help me.
if i remember to call on Him...and not thinking He is against me..
now that i have heard this study...intro.. im realizing it is the same thing that happens to other believers..on the battle field..
im not standing there alone... in front of a fireing squad..tanks...

though this is what it seems like... or maybe  i am. except the LORD is with me. the Captain of my salvation.

i need Jesus is all i know. i cant make the thoughts go away. i can try my hardest to think good
to keep my mind on things above. but even then..intrusive..blasphemous arrows are thrown at me...

Immanuel.

and now... though the speakers do not work on my computer..and i do not know how to fix them..
i pray the LORD will..so i can hear these sermons again.. and the rest of the study. i cant read lips.
LORD help me... i know the words to this song.. though i cannot hear it...
pillar..frontline.

Bless the LORD!

 Psalm 103

  Bless the LORD, O my soul;
         And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
  Bless the LORD, O my soul,
         And forget not all His benefits:
  Who forgives all your iniquities,
         Who heals all your diseases,
  Who redeems your life from destruction,
         Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
  Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
         So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
        
  The LORD executes righteousness
         And justice for all who are oppressed.
  He made known His ways to Moses,
         His acts to the children of Israel.
  The LORD is merciful and gracious,
         Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
  He will not always strive with us,
         Nor will He keep His anger forever.
  He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
         Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
        
  For as the heavens are high above the earth,
         So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
  As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
  As a father pities his children,
         So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
  For He knows our frame;
         He remembers that we are dust.
        
  As for man, his days are like grass;
         As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
  For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
         And its place remembers it no more.
  But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
         On those who fear Him,
         And His righteousness to children’s children,
  To such as keep His covenant,
         And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
        
 The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
         And His kingdom rules over all.
        
  Bless the LORD, you His angels,
         Who excel in strength, who do His word,
         Heeding the voice of His word.
  Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
         You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
  Bless the LORD, all His works,
         In all places of His dominion.
        
         Bless the LORD, O my soul!

clinging to Him

For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things and by whom are all things,
in bringing many sons to glory,
to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.
For both He who sanctifies and those who are being sanctified are all of one,
for which reason He is not ashamed to call them brethren...
Hebrews 2.11

Paul Washer Testifies to How God Always Provides

this is my favorite sermon from you tube
in a long time.
to hear Paul's diary and how he was struggling with doubts... yet he was not doubting because he was saying if God seeks not to continue this mission then He is justified..
not in those word's but i never hear much on this kind of thing..preacher's revealing how they were struggling.. maybe because they are supposed to look good in front of the flock.. i dont know.. but it gives me hope.
and makes me not feels so.. whatever ..
the part about the promises.. im going to do.. not that anyone cares by me telling them or writing this.. no one ever responds.. but thats ok.
God wants me too. and He is watching me.. He wants me to search them and pray to Him... about godliness and how He is mighty and how He is near to the weak and how He helps the poor and needy... and He will answer these when i ask and receive...
not the blab it and grab it like paul said..
this is the ask and you shall receive..
and these are things that i want. to overcome sin.
to be near to God
to see Him
to see Him show Himself strong on my behalf.
for His glory.
i dont know why im here why im on this earth
what God wants with me or for me.
but im His. alot of ppl dont think i should be. and dont want me near them.
but God... He is the One who died for me..
He is the One who washed away my sins.
He is. He is the one who took it all for me
nobody else.
i live for Him. even when He is crushing me and slaying me
and im not sure what ive done or i think im failed in sin
beyond help beyond repair beyond Him loving me..
He does.
HE is not man that He should lie.
men think they are so great and should have the say in things.
but it is GOD . and at the day of judgement we shall see what GOD says
and how GOD wants it
and how GOD makes a mighty display of HIS power
His goodness HIS glory HIS plans HIS hopes and HIS dreams
all for HIS future.
because at judgement day
all the plans of men are gone. all their dreams all their fine things
all their degrees and towers they built are all gone.
flattened. crushed. burned up.
GOD will have mercy on who He has mercy
and He will destroy who HE destroys.
it is all for Him.
not me. not you.not us.
He is kind and merciful.
im kind to my cat.
dont have to be.
God wants me to be.
buit i did not have to adopt her out of that cage.
she didnt do anything for me.
there were lots of cats in that humane society.
all cute. all furry. they all meowed.
some looked at me some did not.
i did not go there knowing aha there is a maine coon that i have wanted all my life.
i looked at so many.
i picked the one and i held it. her.
i asked Daddy... can i have her?? He said yes. and i bought her.
now.. i liked her.. because she purred...but all cats purr.
she buried her nose in my arm.. i liked that... like she felt safe with me..
she tugged my heart.. she likes me i thought.

i didnt do anything for God. good or bad. that made Him decide He wanted me..
i have no clue. He could of closed His eyes and played pin the tail on the donkey with pictures of people for all i know...
whichever picture the dart landed on.. they are saved... the rest are damned.
how do i know??
i know i did nothing. i deserve nothing
i am an utter failure of a human being in society's eyes and my own.
but because God sent Jesus to die and be the sacrifice for my sins...to appease God to not pour His wrath on me..Jesus suffered for me.
so God loves me..He loves me He sent His Son to die..
but i did nothing .. but be born on this earth. and be alive. picked out in the lottery or how ever they decided a long time ago. i still deserve nothing but wrath.
but i have the righteousness of Christ imputed to me.
i wear His robes.. you cant see them.. but they are there
and He is glorious in heaven.
He doesnt have to give nothing to me.
He gave His son.
it is hard to unlearn the teaching in america..
i still think im being punished sometimes by the situations im in
but Jesus took my punishment there is no more punishment because of Jesus
only God treating me now as a son.. daughter...
i am glad that i am not "blessed" with all the stuff other poeple have
it doenst mean im bad...it means He loves me.. stuff would send me away from Him possibly. i want to be close to Him. i dont want that STUFF
i want HIM.

The Fullness Of Jesus Christ Part 3 by Mark S Case

i pray this for the whole Body across the earth in their gatherings together..
that Christ be glorified... that believers are loyal to each other as Father and Son are loyal to each other and their love, Holy Spirit is shed abroad in our hearts..
and that believers.. and the local Body i am in..would be loyal to each other and that people will see this love..Holy Spirit.. working in us Christ in us..so He may be glorifed..and His Fullness dwell in and work in us.
That Christ may be glorifed and His name b e kept Holy and revered instead of mocked.
especially in america

Worthless Girl

are they?
one might think so...they are
for the most part ignored..
by the rich anyways....
But God,
makes the final decision... not man.

dear dear girls and boys... you are not worthless.
how i wish i could help you.
so many times i say im worthless too...
and by most standards...i am.
But God,
has the final say.
But God,
makes the final decision.
When my father and mother forsake me... then the Lord will take me up.

they forsook me.

He took me up.

Lord please send someone to tell them about Jesus
and that He will take them up.

Sarah's Trail of Blood (Voice of the Martyrs)

i have christmas lights made in china.
probably made by a brother or sister in chains
for Jesus... their love of Jesus.
i feel horrible.
forced labor.. remember when you hear of coal mines
collapsing in china.. there are brethren in those mines
imprisoned for Christ.

their life is real.
mine is lifeless...useless.
the christmas lites are the light in america
their Lights are the lights in china.

that God would have mercy on me.
how i dishonor Him.
how this western church blasphemes His name
among the gentiles.
in other countries they kill people who live for Christ.
here.. He's a bumper sticker, a t-shirt, an ornament..
here He has singles groups and and conferences
on how to get more money in His name???

im not worthy to stand before Him
or even this woman...
im vile and horrible
and i wish i could not be here... in america..
but live. truly live...
in a place like china.
american problems.. even for believers are
just so...
middle-class.
forgive me Lord.
for all i have done..
but more.. for all i have not done in following Your example.
if You will be gracious.. maybe i can live for You.. really live
with You walking in me
like You walk in Sarah.. and so many..
live in me and die in Me.. again..

liitle wooden box

the devil comes to steal kill and destroy.
seeking to devour minds...
and christians want to help him.
move the process along..
mind games.
hurtful.
they destroy trust
they destroy love
they destroy the body.
they destroy the mind.
christians working for the devil are the worst kind.
shaming other christians...laughing at other christians.
mocking other christians.
with brethren like that..
who needs enemies?
the devil dont have to do anything..
he lets the christians do it all.

Ayyappan worshippers. 100 dead..burning alive now in hell

OH INDIA WHY WONT YOU TURN TO JESUS CHRIST!!! 

ONLY HE CAN FORGIVE YOUR SINS!!!!

why will you die oh why will you die!!! you see the crosses

Jesus is not jsut another God!! HE IS THE GOD!

the only one who can save you, heal you, give you peace and joy!!!!

He is the only One who gives life eternal!! your millions of gods are ALL false!! eat the cow! He mad it to give your body nourishment!! there is no goddess ganges she is false.. a monkey is not a god. the sun is not a god. the rain is not a god the river is not a god!!

oh why will you die? why will you die in your sins and burn forver in pain?? isnt this pain on earth in this life enough??

LORD send more to tell them please send more workers!!

the harvest truly is plentiful..and the laborers are so, so few.

A stampede of pilgrims returning from one of India's most popular Hindu festivals killed more than 100 people and injured 25 others Friday night, police said.

The stampede was set off when a group of pilgrims in a jeep drove into a crowd of worshippers walking along a narrow forest path as they returned from offering prayers at the hilltop Sabarimala shrine in the state of Kerala in southern India, said local police official Sanjay Kumar.

The annual two-month festival attracts millions of worshippers to the remote temple to the Hindu deity Ayyappan. The ceremony Friday marked the end of the festival, and an estimated 150,000 devotees were thought to have taken the narrow path out of the densely forested hills where the stampede took place, the Press Trust of India reported.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/world/2011/01/14/pilgrims-killed-stampede-indian-festival/#ixzz1B2s2K8uc

submission

 breaking hurts

with all my heart i want God's will. His will to be accomplished in me.
through me. for Him, by Him. to glorify Him.
i guess to turn a world upside down
God must first turn His people upside down.
tears of pain.
tears of joy.
are they same or different.
i dont know.
pain hurts
joy... doesnt...
but then this does.. because i know it is for God.
because it is His way. and i want His will done.
this gives me joy.
but it is mixed with sorrow.
sometimes the tears are quiet and trickle.
sometimes they rush forth like a torrent.
reading a new book. just downloaded.. free.
GOD has made it so i can concentrate to read again.
when i was a kid i went thru books..so quickly.
for years it has been hard to read..would take me all day to read the 1 John.
now... well maybe 45 minutes...thoughtful reading.
this is a gift from the Lord to be able to read and focus again.
such a wonderful wonderful gift.
because i would get so frustrated..or fall asleep so easily reading..
Lord does many things in the healing He performs.
i love Him so. i do not know what the Lord's will is for me.. His plan
for my life.. i know its not seven steps to a better me...
so in these tears i cling to Him. i wish He was here in bodily form
i would be clinging to His feet. His robes would be soaked with tears
and tears..and snot..because He is Jesus...
He wold let me bury my face in His robes to cry
and He would not mind the snot... i think He would welcome it.
it is with tears i was reading the intro to this book.
i know it will be good.
its my heart's desire to give everything to the Lord.
give everything to Him.
submit to Him.
to be holy. to be godly.
the total opposite of who i was before Christ
touched me. and said 
Your sins are forgiven you.

daughter Your faith has healed you.

go, and sin no more.

"Touching Godliness Through Submission" by K.P. Yohannan

below is an excerpt from the intro...

"Here and there you will find these who follow the Lamb gathering
for feeding on God’s Word and mutual encouragement.
They choose to surrender their wills to God’s authority. They feel
the sense of unworthiness as Job did when he met God . They
embrace suffering and have no will of their own—the only way
of truly being His."

slag

"Slag Pour"

What is slag?.. it is the stuff that comes to the surface during the gold refining process.

here it is being poured off where the gold remains in the vessel.

what is done with the slag ...some throw it away... people try to find it on eBay and buy it.. its left out of the gold being considered of little value.....

there are small fragments of gold that sometimes get poured out with the slag...

a smelter did not usually keep it in the B.C. times.. but, some did , do..

but God,

He takes the slag and for some vessels...

made for His use...

God will pound that slag again. He wants all of it.

He doesnt throw away the slag or leave it there in a pile to waste.

He pounds it a second time...

the first time the mined gold was ground into powder 

to be put in the fire (smelter's furnace)

and be melted.. at 1063 degrees Celsius. in a crucible...

the only earthen material able to withstand this process of refining gold

was white earth that resembled clay, called tasconium.

1063 Celsius. 

man cannot stand next to that type of heat. the flesh would burn and melt

as he tried to stir the melting gold.

God kills the flesh in this refining process...

God tries our faith...faith is a gift from God, it is only in the spirit of a born again believer.

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, 
though it be tried with fire.. 1 Peter 1.7

God's Holy Spirit is one with the believer's spirit which has been made alive

by Holy Spirit ... only the very inward part.. the inner man.. the spirit of a man united with God

could stand this fire, this burning process, this refining...

to bring out the impurities... the slag. it comes to the top, 

the gold sinks to the bottom, it is heavier.

this is that which is pure.

the genuine faith, more precious that gold.

those who will submit to His hand.. His loving hand..He will again pound that slag and fire it again.
God lets me know im being fired again.
these earthen pots made of tasconium were the only ones that could be used
for the gold refining process. the blast of air, the fire.. the intensely hot liquid inside.. the melted gold.
When the gold cools.. it is soft and pliable...
it was made for kings for jewelry, coins.. for the Romans,
Solomon's Temple was decorated with much fine gold.
God  shapes it to whatever He chooses.
for whatever use He has in mind.
He stands by the smelting pot... the tasconium...
this earthen vessel with treasure in it.
He does not leave. does not take his eyes off me.
sometimes He peers in to me even more..searching my heart
and mind and spirit to see what is there...
to test my faith. to refine me. to mould me.
to burn out the impurities.
to shape me into a vessel fit for the Master's use.
He will not cast me away.
and He refines again that slag to get every ounce of gold  out of it.
i wonder what He is making me into.
i want to be used...
i do not yet know what i will be or what i will look like.

Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 1 Jn. 3.2

i just love Him. want to be used. i will submit.. wish i had understood sooner what was going on...
but this is His way.. not mine. He could have let me known sooner..or later...it is how He wanted it.
many impurities did my flesh have...and still has because of indwelling sin...but out of the burning He gets gold. He gets genuine faith more precious than gold.
and i get to be made more pure..and to be used by Him in some way. my heart's desire, longings is to be used
by Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit..to give God glory somehow by the work He does in me.. wrought in me..and the works which He will do through me to glorify Himself.

When He is done refining i will be approved by Him.
a vessel fit for the Master's use.

Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. 2 Timothy 2.21

approved..... In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ... 1 Peter 1.7

various trials *edited*

...in this you greatly rejoice,
(Jesus, salvation, God Himself.. my joy is from Him and thinking of Him)
though now,   for a little while,
if need be,
you have been grieved
by various trials,....

i have to write on this specifically.. again.

will come back to edit. as i read more in teh linguistic key..

it as if God wrote it for me...and you..if you have been grieved by various trials...

the grieve is mental suffering.. not pain..but the effects of mental suffering..

the trials.. undeserved suffering from without...
the Lord is really helping me with this..
thank you Jesus. Holy Spirit
for giving me a desire to learn and eat from your word
and to study. to know You more and this letter You have written to us
who love You.
will return to edit..

***edit , added actually...below***
so i heard a message by K.P. Yohannan called Just Following Jesus
and he mentioned a book he read.. i read it.. here's the link.

"The Release of the Spirit" by Watchman Nee

it helped me to understand even more what trials are for and why i have been experiencing them for so long now....years.. over three..non-stop, no vacation...
i dont have anything to say right now... i thought i would edit this more.
but my coffee just spilt all over..
im thinking God doesnt want me writing but in the bible.
still reading 1 peter, the book over and over...

and will get back into my study

incorruptible, undefiled, does not fade away

Inheritance reserved in heaven for you... 

1 Peter 1.4

this is just studying and my notes and what i learn from the first epistle of Peter. its meant to help me..

if anyone reads and they are helped...praise the LORD. but i am trying to understand how these trials

are refining me, testing my faith since it is more precious than gold... to the LORD Jesus..

and quit thinking that i have sinned and am bad and worthless and God is always punishing me

and im an unprofitable servant He is burning up.

the majority of my life i have been told things of this nature.. not about God.

but just how awful i am.

but what i am... is an adopted child of God. the Lord saved me by His blood. redeemed me out of darkness and sin and depravity. He changed me, put the desire to be holy as He is holy in me..and i seek to be like Him. to please Him and to be with Him. my body is the temple of Holy Spirit.

and im accepted in the Beloved Jesus Christ. Father loves me too, He is my Father now.

im not what ive been told..those bad things...im not even what my life looks like. cuz this place isnt reality. this place isnt my home...this earth. i dont like it here. want to be with Jesus. but for now..im learning to not marvel at manifold temptations... TRIALS.

that this is the LORD's love for me...different as it may be..seem...is.. His ways are NOT our ways.

but i want that scum burned off... removed from the top as the impurities float to the top...i want Jesus to remove them.

so He can look at me and see HIS reflection. His life living in me. working in me.

so the materials i use to study..the BIBLE. concordance, greek linguistic key to new testament. i will insert my own writings in a different color next to the Scripture so there is no confusion on my part....organization of my thoughts... and so no one wonders what VERSION of the Bible is this?

btw, i use nkjv.

No, im not a seminary student. im just a regular person...kind of... but not really.

im born of the Spirit of God.

STUDY to show thyself approved...to GOD.

1 Peter 1

 ¹ Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,

To the pilgrims of the Dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia,  
² elect according to the foreknowledge of God the Father,
in sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience and sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ:

Grace to you and peace be multiplied.
PEACE multiplied... who wonderful.. a prayer that peace be multiplied.. to go along with the multiplied trials and sufferings...GRACE... God, how i need more GRACE to overcome... please give me more grace...so i can truly rejoice in these trials instead of just saying i do to avoid complaining...let me truly mean it.

ive heard sermons on rejoicing in suffering..

but ive never heard any of the people say that they ACTUALLY DID REJOICE..during suffering...

except for Paul the apostle and Silas...singing in prison..

ive never heard of the bad things that happen to people how they rejoiced..

nope. ive heard them telling people how they must do this and that.. but not heard of their own trial in which they rejoiced at the time of suffering.

LORD.. make this me.

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope
(He is truly my Hope. Living God. Man sitting in heaven. my God who chose me. elected me. i came from utter darkness as well as every other person whom He saved..our nature is sin... but there are morally good people burning in hell right now..who never did the bad things i did... He is my Hope.. when i have no joy, my hope is in Him, when i have no peace, my hope is in Him, when i am hungry my hope is in Him, when im cold, my hope is in Him, when i am filled. FILLED with sorrow... my hope is still in Him. His promise that He will not , no never leave me or forsake me.

He will return for me.. He has gone to prepare a place for me... He has adopted me into His family and i cry out DADDY! Abba! Father!

He is my living hope. Living Hope. He is the only Hope. and my only source of Hope. My only source of real lasting comfort. i know this life seems long. but it says in the bible it is only temporary and i try to remember this... soon and very soon i will be with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. i will be happy, eternally happy and joyous with Him forever...with my Father.. my real real Father!!!! forever... Living Hope.)
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
and He will raise me up at the last day... and i will be with Him and i will see Him as He really is.. in all His glory and majesty and beautiful holiness..in all His love..in all His radiance and i will get to stay at His feet forever!!
⁴ to an inheritance incorruptible 

my inheritance cannot be ravaged by enemies...though everything might be taken from me here on this earth...my inheritance is waiting for me..reserved...it cannot be destroyed.

and undefiled
He is undefiled... like the beautiful flower above.. this term was used for flowers of supernatural beauty...purity...He is so pure. so Holy. so Beautiful. so glorious clothed in light. gold, rainbow..beautiful Jesus..undefiled Jesus...God in heaven..beauty..pure light. there is no darkness in Him at all!!!
and that does not fade away,
time cannot erase my inheritance...He is in eternity. He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. He created time. He created eternity. He created the body that He is in. the heaven He sits in.. the earth we stand upon..and He will not fade away. the Word of our God remains forever..time can not erode Him. devils cannot kill Him. they were kicked out of heaven..He is the Author and Finisher of everything! including me... and i have feeble faith..weak as i am..i am dependent on Him and He is strong!! He is mighty to save! Nothing and no one can make my Inheritance fade away!
reserved in heaven for you,

He is reserved...waiting..already there. He is prepared. He is sanctified.. He sanctified Himself for our sakes..us who are His children.. He is waiting in heaven for us.. reserved in all His glory. in all His power in all His majesty. the God of heaven is reserved for me...me?..

it is hard to fathom sometimes.. i cannot even understand really.. except with the little bit He gives me... but i believe by faith and having not seen HIM... i love Him and believe in Him... i know what Jesus has done for me..in me.. only Holy Spirit can do what has been done in me... and most dont know.. they dont see..they dont know me before...but GOD knows... i was in line after Paul when he said i am the chief of sinners...i think in my "church" i can claim that title...but HE still died for me..while i was His enemy.. dead in trespasses.. He loved..He died. He obeyed Father by the things He suffered He learned obedience... and i follow Jesus and i want this too. obey Him. obey Father. Christ in me the hope of glory. Christ living in my, glorifying Father.. still.. on the earth..

God of all creation.. reserved in heaven for me. He is waiting..and He is making me a pure and spotless bride for Him that i may stand blameless before Him.. to receive my Inheritance and be with Him forever in the secret place.
⁵ who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
⁶ In this you greatly rejoice,
i do , i do , i do!!!! i rejoice that He keeps me. i am kept by the power of God..i can not keep myself.. i am a sheep. i go astray, i get confused, i make wrong decisions, i am a measly human and HE IS GOD! He keeps me. i am saved by Him and safe in Him! nothing can take me out of my Father's hand. Father gave me to Jesus. He keeps me..oh and i am so ready for salvation!!!! but Father.. Daddy says i am not... this is why i am still here..being refined. because He loves me..He cares for me...sometimes i have sorrow upon sorrow and the weight of it is crushing.... but like i said.. i came from something like maybe the swamp thing.. a pig of pigs...apparently i need ALOT of refining... or maybe HE just wants to make me really shiny and glorious for Himself..for HIS glory...

it is love. His love. in this i am content and happy. in this i am blessed. that i am one of God's people. He calls me His own.. He is making me a jewel in His crown. much polishing..much heating..much fire...is needed to remove the impurities...many trials.. this is what is happening...God's work...God's hand...GOD trying me.

i listened to a sermon last night... this stuck: from ... Job 7.17-18

What is man, that You should exalt him,

      That You should set Your heart on him,

 That You should visit him every morning,
      And test him every moment?

God tests man every moment..we give an account for every idle word spoken..every deed..everything..after we have been saved..our sins are forgiven...if we are His...but He tries man every moment..

and the preacher said have you ever felt like that..you knew God was testing you..and yes.. lately i have been very aware at the moment of testing that He is watching me.. watching my reaction looking directly at me..

and i feel helpless and dont wan tto fail the test..and dont know what to do..do i cry can i get on my knees in the middle of walmart and cry out to HIM.. if i do im sure that i will not stop crying and pretty soon they will be calling 911 because this person needs help!

im aware of teh test and i dont know if im failing or passing... but i feel sorrow because im sure... in my mind... that ive already failed and disappointed Him... i dont wan tto disappoint Him... this is my biggest concern...

now that i have to do the trial over as i hear people say happens... im not sure where that is in Scripture...

but i just want to  please Him...

i know He is trying me at every moment.. and it has become for me..if i pay attention.. like some kind of other sense... like when a deer is drinking water..she stops. looks up. and stands there verrrry still.

something is there. next thing you know her tail is up and she is darting off in to the forest.

but no one can run from God. i learned this too. it hurts more to run from GOD. He is in control, not me.

though now for a little while,
...little?? c'mon Peter!!!! yes it is a little while compared to eternity... but the trials have been steady increasing over 3 and a half years...and they come closer and closer together..not quite like Job's..bam bam bam!.. but increasing, piling up, feeling the weight..like birth pangs...steady increasing in intensity and closer together...
if need be,
you have been grieved by various trials,

yes... grieved...in sorrow and heaviness it seems without end.. but i have a Living Hope..

they seem unbearable.. the trials.. the sorrow mostly..this sorrow upon sorrow....

but He thinks.. or KNOWS i need it...so i trust Jesus.
⁷ that the genuineness of your faith,  
being much more precious than gold that perishes,
though it is tested by fire,
may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

(this is what i hope for and want. His praise...for Him to be praised and honored and glorified! which He is!.. but in me..it would be worth it. He is...He is worth it all...just have to remember...He is worth it.. not me... but HE IS)
⁸ whom having not seen you love. 

Though now you do not see Him, yet believing,

you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,

⁹ receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

more later...
Jesus... please let me remember to come back to this..
so i can remember..remind myself...
YOU, Lord, are worth it all. every ounce of suffering. every tear and pain.
what You did for me is nothing compared to my suffering...
i dont think i can really call it suffering...i have not endured unto blood shed,
yet.

weep and howl!

Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death...."
mt. 26.38

because....

.....lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. mt. 24.12


dont you feel it? does it effect you? does it hurt you..?
is your heart breaking????

or are you already gone...?

Lord dont let me be like them.. no love. please!
let me be like YOU!!! no matter how much it hurts!!!!
dont let my love... YOUR love grow cold in me!!!
dont let me be resentful and bitter!
dont let me be offended by the fiery trials meant to purify
as i watch them ignorant in themselves and what is happening!!!
please dont let me grow cold but let me love them more
even though they despise me!
please, i beg You, Son of God, Son of David! Dont let my love grow cold!
dont let me be part of the sunday crowd
but Your disciple! Your Friend whom You confide in!
not like them. not even like me... but like You.


i dont want to be a...man pleaser.. and a...
  
hard-hearted self absorbed christian
with hearts that care only about themselves and their immediate clique

ignoring the cries of the weak, and the poor...ignoring the cries of the fatherless and the widow..
instead of listening they shut their ears and go to sunday brunch and check out sales at the mall..
love grown cold...
church in need of nothing..
poor
blind
miserable
naked.
hard hearts.
loveless.
what is pure and undefiled religion?
do you know?
do you care?
or do you need new batteries for your remote...
or your iphone needs to be charged..
you have to get your pedicure
your hair done..
last weeks outfit... well its just that...time for a new one.
footballs on, i'll worry later.
games on... i'll love later...
there are starving people.
there are starving children of God.
do you care?
do  you care that hearts ache?
do you care that some children in teh church have no godly
father figure...the men only care about their own children..
if they really care about their children...hard to say...
but the LORD says by their fruit you will know them.

all you lovers of money rather than God...
weep and howl for your riches are gone! destroyed!!
where is the love you long for now?
burnt up in the fire.
just like your works of hay and stubble!

when babylon falls.... she's gonna fall hard!!
a loud weeping and mourning as if in Ramah
weeping for sons that are no more
instead they will be howling for thier lost riches
and their hungry stomachs
and the loss of their fine clothes and jewels!!!!

oh where were you when the Lord was handing out bibles and said pick up your cross,
deny yourself and follow Me.

OH!... i know...
you were at the mall...
following the latest shiny necklace...
or had your eyes glued to the TV
watching some guy in tights run down a field of fake grass
carrying a ball for an absurd amount of money
that you only dream of ever having....
or maybe you have all that money...
it will perish with you
if you dont repent and follow GOD.


Woe to you who are full, for you shall hunger. 
Woe to you who laugh now, For you shall mourn and weep.
Luke 6.25

definition of...

 

TIRED

–adjective

1. exhausted, as by exertion; fatigued or sleepy: a tired runner.

2. weary or bored (usually fol. by of ): tired of the same food every day.

3. hackneyed; stale, as a joke, phrase, or sermon.

4. Informal . impatient or disgusted: You make me tired.

—Synonyms

1. enervated. Tired, exhausted, fatigued, wearied, weary  suggest a condition in which a large part of one's energy and vitality has been consumed. 
One who is tired  has used up a considerable part of his or her bodily or mental resources: to feel tired at the end of the day.   
One who is exhausted  is completely drained of energy and vitality, usually because of arduous or long-sustained effort: exhausted after a hard run.  
One who is fatigued  has consumed energy to a point where rest and sleep are demanded: feeling rather pleasantly fatigued.   
One who is wearied  has been under protracted exertion or strain that has gradually worn out his or her strength: wearied by a long vigil.  
Weary  suggests a more permanent condition than wearied: weary of struggling against misfortunes.

—Antonyms

1.  rested; energetic.

LORD... could i have some antonyms please? 
 

God is Light

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that 

God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. 1 Jn.1.5

Jesus Christ Is an Advocate for Sinners

the link is a message from John Piper.

i hate sin. i hate sin i hate it. i hate darkness. i hate the sin that indwells my flesh.

i hate the evil that is present in me. how can i live when myself.. my own body wars against my spirit.

this spirit given to me by God.. GOD indwells me..along with sin.

LORD?? how do people stand themselves? i cannot.

what do i do? i wake up feeling awful. surely i must have done some sin in my sleep. dreamed something awful

which during the day when i was awake i would have fought against and cried to You for help.

what do i do LORD? i dont know what i did. i just wake up feeling so awful.

shamed. not happy not able to do anything but say please forgive me.

i dont know what i did. please forgive me

then images try to come at me. mental disgusting things.

LORD help me.

make my mind clean make my mind new not just renewed make it new.

i despair because of sin. i do. how can i live in thes body of death

o wretched man that i am who will deliver me from this body of death?

LORD pray for me, plead my cause that im covered in Your blood.

protect me from the wrath of God. forgive me. do not pour Your wrath on me Jesus.

Lord forgive me. "if you wake up in teh morning and all is black"....piper says...

has he experienced what i have? Lord wash me.

i loathe myself and this sin that lives in me.

there is scripture that goes with this.. some of the things i ve said. i will put it in later maybe.