please.

can i have some crumbs?

El Senor Me Recibira, Testimonio (English Captions)

i hope this helps someone.
remember Psalm 27.10 ....
When my father and my mother forsake me,
then the LORD will take care of me.
Salmos 27.10
Porque aunque mi padre y mi madre me hayan abandonado,
el SEÑOR me recogerá.

the difference...at a crossroads

here i am God. You saved me. You loved me and now i love You.
want nothing more than to give You everything. my life which is nothing. my love which is nothing.
my dreams.. which i don't really even remember what they were... they are gone now.
my only dream is to be with You someday. and to serve You while i wait here in this world which i hate.
im lost without You.

a long time ago You saved a little girl who would have surely died under the weight of hopelessness in her home. would have gone to hell without ever a chance at life here or eternally..
if not for Your love and compassion. there was no hope for me from the very beginning.
Had not Your Love saved me.. where would i be... i remember the difference.. i longed to go to church.
though it was not a church that taught me to pray to You..i did anyway. You were there with me.
i saw You. i got to pray to You. i read Your Word.. i was consumed in it. i loved it. i could not understand why people would not repent...yet i was only 7... why would they not repent and turn to this wonderful God who loved them? nobody listens much to children... they did not listen to me... parents..teachers..nobody...
and then i thought You were not listening...
i dont know where this child disappeared to.. the one that loved You so much. the one that Loved Your Word..the one who hid the Bible when her mom walked in the room. i dont remember what made me lose hope in You.. i dont remember why i turned away...
but i do know that You never left me...
You never left me. and i know there words of Yours are true. "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
i remember crying out to You through the years. i remember You speaking to me...
but i didnt know it was You... somehow i always prayed...off and on i prayed...i would search for You in churches.. i searched for You in other religions.. i searched for You in the world ..of evil things.. and deeds.. but they did not fill me. they did not save me they did not comfort.. only destroyed me...
You, Jesus were the only one who never left... people left.. they told me to go. they beat me. the world beat me. the alcohol beat me. the system beat me. the devil beat me down.
You lifted me up... when i cried out to you many years later enough i had had of eating the pigs food.
living in the mud. You ran at me with open arms and hugged my neck.
You were there and oh what JOY oh what LOVE HE did love me!!! You did love me after all!! You did not put me here to torture me!!! YOU LOVED ME!!!!!
what Love. what joy what peace. finally!!!
yet i had forgotten that i had ever walked with You for a time as a child...
i guess the devil tried to steal that from me... and You.. does he still think he can win Jesus?
    From the moment i was back with You... returned to You.. no longer playing the harlot...
in Love with my Husband , my Creator, my Friend my Savior... i wanted to let everyone know
about You Jesus... people who knew me saw the change that comes with true repentance and a relationship with You... You took me back. You took me back. so many never wanted to see me again. hoped i would go.. Yet You never ever left. how patient you are. how kind You are Jesus.
i want nothing more than to be like You. to be conformed to Your image..to have Your characteristics .. Your holiness, goodness, obedience, patience, love, joy, peace, gentleness,.. so much.. long-suffering..
if You were not long-suffering surely You would have cast me in to hell and You would not be true to Your word. But You are faithful to the promises You make.
what a difference You have made in me.
YOU are the difference Jesus, Son of God.
you brought me from death to Life.
from wickedness to Righteousness
from filthy rags to Holiness
from despair to Hope... in You.
from loving the world..sin..drinking...shopping, food, TV, relationships, things, trinkets, education, work..
all trying to fill the whole in my life with those things....
to the hole being filled with Your Holy Spirit...
You baptized me with Your Spirit and i knew Joy that i had never know..laughter that made my sides feel like they would burst.
You let me know i am loved... people do not. they cannot. they know not how.
but You do. You understand me i do not understand me...still five years later... i know less of me than then. and i know more of Who You are..and i only want to serve You.
for  a while You wooed me, loved me, answered every prayer ..it seemed... i was so eager about life.. telling people about You even at work You gave me a job where i could pass out tracts. where i could talk freely about You even thought they thought i was a freak...told me there was a place in Waco for me...
but You used me there... i know You did Lord. a mormon, a catholic, an atheist and a born again believer. what a pile of clay that was amidst all those rocks and landscaping materials... Who can understand Your ways? what joy it gave me to  serve You even in that way.. i wasn't in any kind of "ministry" but i got to spread Your Gospel right where i was. and i knew i was used. i felt i was used. i thought i had a purpose.
the people who were once "friends" slowly.. well they dint want to talk to me so much anymore
except if they needed money... or prayer.. but i wasn't fun anymore.. i didnt do what they did...what i had did... i was "never around".. No. i was never around. i was at home reading my Bible. was at home praying, crying out to You , loving You and knowing You loved me. i was dancing for You in my living room. i was hungry for You. i wanted You more than food for my body. Yet You are the food for my body. i wanted no more shopping for clothes...You had clothed me with Your righteousness. i wanted no more of the people i knew.. i had you. i did not have to try and depend on them.. they never helped anyway... only took from me. they took much from me. but YOU GAVE YOURSELF for ME. me. vile, wretched, despicable, gutter rat me.
You mad me desire You. Your Word. to be Holy. You gave me a desire to go to the ends of the earth and tell people about You even if it meant i be killed. i would leave everything behind. mother told me how dare i even consider going to another country (if only even for two weeks) and leave children behind...
i would leave everything for You Jesus. none had loved me like You. no one loves me like You.
i have left it all behind now Jesus... five years later as You have baptized me in Your fire.
friends...they weren't my friends.
jobs. well...the persecution  of being a religious freak finally showed up... more than once... i was deceived and fell into sin another time...yet You took me back...with hard chastisement..thank you that You consider me a daughter. how stupid of me.. You spoke and spoke anything that does not line up with the Word of God is a lie... over and over and then You were quiet and said no more... until broken and starving in famine i came to You like Joseph's brothers came to him in Egypt ... the brother they had sold in to slavery the brother they despised..and tried to kill...You had turned Your head and cried...Yet You forgave and was glad to see me when i came to You..You forgave... again and again and again my whole life...You gave Your life to forgive me and save me from myself the terror of me the indwelling sin which i so despise. You gave Your life to make me a daughter of Your Father. Who is a God like You??
You have delivered me from death, from so much. so so much. i only long to see others know who You are. about Your love. what You can do. what YOU GAVE. the power of Your blood the power of Your Spirit. the changes You have wrought in me and continue to do so.
in this fire...things have been taken away.. some over and over...i left the college behind to serve You. i wanted to go to christian school to learn about You all day. not knowing what you wanted me to do..i just was tired about learning about the world.. i wanted to sit and hear about You. one thing is needed. and it will not be taken from me. the one thing. to sit at Your feet. and learn of You and love You.

and here am i Lord. i still love You. more in love with You. sometime so confused by You.
confused by everything around me. yet You let me sit at Your feet.
and sometimes i just weep and sleep at Your feet. i have no strength for anything else.
i cling to You for dear life. i want to be with You Jesus. where You are. i know it is far better to be with You than here on this earth. Yet it is not my time. You say. and i long to serve You .. somehow.. whatever way that is.. but i do not know. i have love to give. it is rejected. i have testimony to give but it is not heard. i have hope to share. but no one to give it too. i am trapped in this cubicle and am growing in despair day by day.
thinking i am not in Your will not doing what You made me to do. it gave me joy to share about You. to tell about You. to serve You when and where i could. but i can go no where now. i have words to speak that You give. but none to listen. i have Life inside me to give yet none want it. is this how You felt?
i have food not of this world. i have power You have given to raise the dead. the walking dead and the physically dead.
You say to do these things. i will. but how? how can i God. i have no communication with the outside world.
oh sure face book. church i go to. but talk with no one except for a casual greeting. but no real communication.
is this what You intended for my life. i have Your light in me. but it is hidden under a bushel. i do not want it hidden. i am at a crossroads God and You know this Jesus. this life of mine brought so much pain and degradation. things no one should be exposed to.. comparable to the suffering in a war time prison camp or maybe even what people experienced in the holocaust.. in the trauma suffered... the effects still linger.. a residue..but it makes me have com[passion for hurting people and i can t hold this in any longer i want o help people with what You have given. yet i am not aloud. i am rejected where i live. not even able to get a recommendation letter for service else where... it thought i was where You wanted me. i dont know anymore. i need You to tell me... slowly things here get worse... the light of hope grows dimmer.
depression and despair overtake me.. i want to be used of You... i those around me to have a life worth living.
yet it is not here. trapped in this cell. this cave. so hard to breathe in here sometimes. stifling.
music has lost its appeal. sometimes i even hate it Jesus. and the difference is... i used to only sing to YOU. woke with a song in my heart. went to bed with a song in my heart... to You. now this is so rare..
it is hard to focus on Your Word. the only time i have alone with You is at night. and it is hard to stay awake. to read. to focus.. i miss the hours immersed in Your Word..the hours i had with You..
what happened? where did You go? where did i go?
i must have this back.!!!
this time with You. worshiping You. listening, talking, reading learning.studying. at Your feet.
i must provide a better life for the ones You have entrusted to me.
this is not it. where we are. this situation.. this isolation cell...
to get time back with You and make things better for all of us... i only see a crossroads..
here or there... where? what do i do Jesus?
do we stay or do we go?
will You use me here and i get to spend time with You again... im so starving for You... the joy is gone.. hope dwindles...food is sparse... i cant live on regurgitated food. i need my own that YOU give me!!! PLEASE!!!
sometimes my throat is so dry i cannot drink. there is no water in this dry and weary land. i am desperate. for You. for change. for the something new... that ive been hearing about for years now... this new thing You are doing....i have a few days Lord.. i cannot face another year like this...so  if i dont serve here.. then we will go. i dont know what Your will is..i only want Your will...but i am so hungry for You so desperate for You to serve You... we will go..and wont be isolated...i will once again get to be immersed in YOU. and those around me will have a life with sunshine for health and bones. friends. fresh air and not weeping and despair all around... i do not know Your will for me. i thought i did. oh i thought i did so many times...i was doing right..waiting for the right thing...doing the right thing...thought it was You... i know nothing..am nothing. have no hope in anything or anyone but YOU.
i hope You will restore unto me the joy of my salvation. i hope You find me worthy of my calling. i hope please You i hope i get to be alone with You more. i hope in being with You someday is the only thing that keeps me going. church service feeds me while im there.. a little...
i used to be desperate to get there..feeling like i would literally die if i did not go and get fed.
now.. i feel sometimes i will die, IF i go. the difference...
its been so long and i am useless and hated and scorned...it is not a safe place for me. i can not get fed and fight to live at the same time... when the food feels like it is thrown at me and i am mocked where i come to eat and get refuge and drink..what do i do Jesus? what do i do??? no matter what i do there it seems as if it is not right. im hungry so so hungry tha ti have bloated in my physical weight yet i am hungry for spiritual food i am not getting. when the enemies are around yo have to eat fast on your toes..no time to savor the meal. no time to chew.. but has to be swallowed whole.
the digestive process is messed up and im left wanting. does a shepherd feed his sheep and fight the enemy at the same time? im not a shepherd in the wilderness... but i dont think that is how it worked.
im lost Lord. i want only to do Your will but i know not what to do. i dont hear You calling me. i dont see You. i dont smell YOU. no other sheep around me..night is falling.. where do i go what do i do.
please tell me. GOD please tell me. i dont want to do the wrong thing. i dont want to go the wrong way.
i wanted family. YOUR Family. i wanted fellowship. real fellowship. i wanted to learn more of You. i wanted to be with those who love YOU. but im alone. too many bad thoughts i suppose. legions of them so i am rejected. unwanted and hated by the majority. does majority rule in Your kingdom?
i want so much to reach out an d love yet i am continually misunderstood. i want to spend time with the people who love You. but im alone. and so i can be alone at the other place. but i can be alone with You.
and i can "watch" in peace there if i am not needed where i am Lord. please make this clear. please tell me where to go and what to do. Father-- HELP me. PLEASE. i only want to do what i hear Jesus tell me to do.

i want to obey. i want to please. i want to live holy and i want to serve YOU. i dont really want to go Lord. but i think i have no other choice. maybe too much damage is done. we are only human. them and me.

what do YOU want LORD? what do YOU want. i cant be anyone but who You made. but something has to give. something has to FORgive. and talk about it openly. i know this is true. i know this is true and guts need to be splattered all over the floor. noses dripping with snot and eyes red from tears. yet what is keeping this from happening. pride? thinking nothing wrong saying it never bothered..what is it...walls need to be smashed. im sitting at the base...waiting..i tired before..i stood up in front of everyone and asked forgiveness... yet no one said a word to me afterward.... i keep having to ask forgiveness..but how to i ask forgiveness for my thoughts...which no one knows but me...or maybe they perceive...by my downcast face something not right.. not happy...what can i do to make things right God what can i do do i go to each and every person and say im sorry for this..im sorry for whatever i did...im sorry i did something... but i dont know what it was i did... can you forgive me

i really want to be a part of this family in God...but my own flesh and blood family didnt want me.... i know when its time to move on...a soldier can smell that smell.... the silence.. that shouldnt be so silent...

somethings not right.... i dont think were in kansas anymore...

if i must be alone than i would rather be alone else where Jesus. if i am to serve YOU. please make it happen.

if i am to go. then please arrange a clear path. either way.... i need Your blessing. Your will to be done not mine. but if i dont know anything by the first... im starting the process of going on with a really new year else where... i dont know what You want me to do Lord. i dont know. please help me. please show me the way that You have made for me to do good works that You prepared from before the foundation of the world.

Your will not mine be done Jesus for glory to You and Daddy.

I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day

faithful

“And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write,
‘These things says He who is holy, He who is true,  
“He who has the key of David,  
He who opens and no one shuts, and shuts and no one opens”:
“I know your works. See, I have set before you an open door,
and no one can shut it;
for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name.
Indeed I will make those of the synagogue of Satan, who say they are Jews and are not, but lie—
indeed I will make them come and worship before your feet, and to know that I have loved you.
Because you have kept My command to persevere,
I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world,
to test those who dwell on the earth.
Behold, I am coming quickly!
Hold fast what you have, that no one may take your crown.
He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he shall go out no more.
I will write on him the name of My God and the name of the city of My God,
the New Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God.
And I will write on him My new name.
“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”’
Revelation 3.7-13

Is Facebook Keeping You From Prayer?

and he prayed

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness,
and came and sat down under a broom tree.
And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough!
Now, LORD, take my life, for I no better than my fathers!”
1 Kings 19.4

Living Martyr by Wagdi Iskander

Missions to the Lost World by K.P. Yohannan

goddess Ganges

River Ganges

Jesus Christ is risen from the dead! He is alive!

	;qgUuk 3:16	D;ksafd ijes'oj us txr ls ,slk izse j[kk fd ml us viuk ,dykSrk iq=k ns fn;k] rkfd tks dksbZ ml ij fo'okl djs] og uk'k u gks] ijUrq vuUr thou ik,A
	;qgUuk 3:17	ijes'oj us vius iq=k dks txr esa blfy;s ugha Hkstk] fd txr ij naM dh vkKk ns ijUrq blfy;s fd txr mlds }kjk m)kj ik,A
	;qgUuk 3:18	tks ml ij fo'okl djrk gS] ml ij naM dh vkKk ugha gksrh] ijUrq tks ml ij fo'okl ugha djrk] og nks"kh Bgjk pqdk( blfy;s fd ml us ijes'oj ds ,dykSrs iq=k ds uke ij fo'okl ugha fd;kA
	;qgUuk 3:19	vkSj naM dh vkKk dk dkj.k ;g gS fd T;ksfr txr esa vkbZ gS] vkSj euq";ksa us vU/kdkj dks T;ksfr ls vf/kd fiz; tkuk D;ksafd mu ds dke cqjs FksA
	;qgUuk 3:20	D;ksafd tks dksbZ cqjkbZ djrk gS] og T;ksfr ls cSj j[krk gS] vkSj T;ksfr ds fudV ugha vkrk] ,slk u gks fd mlds dkeksa ij nks"k yxk;k tk,A

	Sul<'lR 3:16	fs -dwlfrlu ekYfrjH ijCIcj[k' -irkA rCjv+kSeldlsf rjfUwJiR YelejS[%fj sspiA Lisr rh\dkilR f[i`A Shlds^ Sc<jv+k;
	Sul<'lR 3:17	sspiA fs ekYfsr Shld^jH Luv+fk Shlds^ ijPj~lrh* ShldA LirlH g]j[s~mkilrSYf;
	Sul<'lR 3:18	LirjH ijCIcj[k'i[=k rUluijPj Th* ijCIcj[l ^i sspi^js -dwlfrlu ekYfs rla^jH ijCIcj[lu\dulH rUluijPj i dqjk;
	Sul<'lR 3:19	rUluijPj t'Sfl" sixjv+A Shld^jH i'j}kA ark,Ugksm Yei{^j Spl,akxxfk @dulH LiG sixjv+s^[l& Tgkxjsr Sc<jv+fkfS';
	Sul<'lR 3:20	fj Yei^=j[k'iR th*lA sixjv+s^ esd[k fs Yei{^j[k @S]eA iglfjgj~lR sixjv+^j Sh[k igk'fkajh*;

 Wal xin, caw xahancano ay anma ay yul sat yiban̈kˈinal tiˈ yu Comam Dios, yuto yati Comam hunpilan Iscˈahol coxol, yuxinto macn̈eticˈa chichahni yul yanma, mach chicˈaytoj, to caw chischah huneˈ iskˈinal mach istan̈bal.  Hanintiˈan caw Iscˈahol Comam Dios wehan. Akˈbilintijan yu Comam yul sat yiban̈kˈinal tiˈ, maẍtaj yu wulan wanocojan isyaˈtajil yiban̈ anma, machoj, to yu incolnihan yalan̈ ismul. Macn̈eticˈa chinchahnihan yul yanma, mach chiay isyaˈtajil yiban̈, wal mac mach chinchahnihan yul yanma xin caw chitocano ismul yiban̈ yuto mach chayto yul yanma win̈an, haninn̈echˈan Iscˈahol Comam Dios intiˈan.

 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. “He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
john 3.16-18

broken

Prepare to meet your GOD

i'd rather walk in the fire of the furnace with Jesus
than eat the world's delicacies or bow down to the golden image.

Compromising Christianity by Keith Daniel

it is heartbreaking. and i am tired of this land and hearing of revival and awakenings. it will not happen until this land is shaken to its core by GOD.
this modern church loves the world more than they love GOD.
i tell you and there are few the Lord has probably close to the 7,000 and that is it!!!
but after the destruction that comes to the USA and the west...the persecution of real christians will bring forth by planting seeds in blood the blood of martyrs again on amercian soil not just the other parts of the world that are considered LESS. to me they are more. they live out their faith without this fake churchianity and tv preacher thieves!! then this land will have real CHRISTIANITY. and the name Christian will again be a mockery and those with he name of Christian and those who call on Jesus will be despised and hated.
they wont be using church for singles clubs anymore or to try and stave their guilty consciences by giving a few bucks each week.
ENOUGH!!!!
ive had enough of this!!!
GOD please do something!!! i am tired of this .. i want to see YOU glorified whatever that means!!! in death in life in peace and in calamity GOD be GLORIFIED!!!!!

please God help!

Woman, why weepest thou?

i just found this treasure chest of more free books to read online.
no...since i read Broken for a Purpose i have found no purpose for my life.
although i wiash to be used of Him i dont know it will ever happen.
my life is not my own. i have no will. it is all His. but i sit in pain and sorrow
and suffering and wait for Him. it seems as thought He has shut up His ears to me
and no longer sshows His face to me.
i am in despair one moment and numb the next.
but someday i will be with Him.
this i wait for,
i know im born of the Spirit.
so God cannot lie. unless He is casting me away.. i will get to be with Him. i think i am unprofitable servant.
God says all those who come to Me i will in no wise cast out. im not sure what is going on.
but for His name's sake and His glory i beleive i will go to heaven to be with Him.
i pray He doesnt tell me He never knew me.
because i sure love Him and i have only wanted Him above all else.
so anyway here is the link to the book.."Woman, Why Are You Weeping?"
i wonder if you read it maybe you would comment. about it.
i sure would like someone to talk to..even if it is only on a blog.

Showing Jesus By Our Life

i love you Uncle Zac

a picture says a thousand words...

but really one says it all...

its real. the war is real

-if this war is real...and it IS...For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
(Ephesians 6.12)

-but the Lord has already won it...~He Himself likewise shared in the same, that through death He might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, 15 and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.
(Hebrews 2.14-15)

-yet He fights for me...The LORD your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes..
(Deuteronomy 1.30)

-stand strong and see the salvation of the Lord...
You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the LORD is with you.”
2 Chronicles 2.17

but there are so many battles.. and so many
casualties.. wounded... dying.. is there hope?
why do soldiers leave each other behind?
why are soldiers not treated equally among each other..
in this battle not of flesh and blood.. there is only One Commander..
there are no 1st Sergeants, no brass butter bars, no PFC's and no Colonels.

ONE God. One Shepherd. One Lord. ONE ARMY.
not army of one...

One Body? well who attends to the sucking chest wound...who applies gauze to the bleeding.
who applies the tourniquet? what if someone shoots their toe off? does the whole body get thrown out of the army?
where is the camaraderie? or you might say unity....
i will tell you..
it is being devoured by the enemy as one another nit pick and backbite,
gossiping and not loving.
But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!
(Galatians 5.15)
they are not letting the wounds in the body heal, but are infecting them more
and tearing off the scab re-opening the wound.
some walk with a limp.
some with crippled hands.
some with brokenness.

constant defeat on the battlefield leads to hopelessness
and despair. Paul despaired of life.
He was treated very bad by the people of God.

where is the one who will help his or her brethren? where are the Pauls and Timothys? Where are good men like Titus? Where are the modern Lydias and Tryphena and Tryphosa Where is Peter? Where is Chloe?
Where is Jesus walking now?
are christians so selfish that they will turn from the wounded
and dying with their nose in the air as if nothing is happening?




didnt Christ die for ALL HIS BRETHREN? did not Father give them too HIM?
where is the one who is not afraid of helping others? no matter who they are
or what they have done?? God has mercy...
are we not to follow in Christ's footsteps?
He did say "Follow Me." (Mark 8.34) He said "follow Me" over and over...


Tell me...is the battle against satan with the Body of Christ as one unified front able to defeat the enemy?
or is it the body of Christ fighting amongst themselves, tearing each other apart.
Agape love grows so cold...it is like ice.. and hard hearts.

For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this:
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
Galatians 5.14

suffer in silence

.... unanswered prayer.

fainting in my heart?
You heard me..
why did You not save me.
i was a little girl.
never given a chance at life from the moment
i was conceived.
no purity.
worse than a leper.
yet his disease was only skin deep...
mine ravaged my body
and engulfed my soul.
still i am effected.
still You have not delivered me.
though You promise too?
maybe im wrong.
no unclean thing will enter heaven.
You saved me.
what will you do with me.
i cant stand my flesh.
i cant stand myself.
and i have no more will to live.

grace to suffer well

pray for.... grace to suffer well.

this is a request for missionaries in north India trying to reach people
with the Gospel of Peace.. the name of Jesus Christ.
the only name given among men where by we must be saved. ( Acts 4.12)

what does suffer well mean?

does this mean not opening my mouth.? like Jesus?
He was led as a sheep to the slaughter; And as a lamb before its shearer is silent,
so He opened not His mouth. (Acts. 8.32)

when slandered we try to reconcile? (1 Corinthians 4.13)
Love our enemies, do good to those who hate you? (Matt. 5.43-48)

to do anything well. is to do  it like Jesus. God. He does all things well. (Mark 7.37)
so He is my example in which to suffer. Called to suffer. Chosen to suffer.
Adopted into the family of God. God is my Father.
i want to please Him.
Abba. Father. Daddy!!
And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts,
crying out, “Abba, Father!” (Galatians 4.4-7)
...you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” (Romans 8.15)

there is no other reason i would even think of suffering for..except my children.
and maybe another brother or sister...but we are to lay down our life for Him.
this, i will gladly do, rejoicing that i be found worthy to suffer for His Name's sake.
Lord, give me grace to suffer well.
Like You.
remember, i want to to be just like You.
with all fruits of the Spirit. You are the joy set before me Jesus.
outside the camp i was the joy set before You.
i will follow You wherever you go...
where else can i go? to whom can i go to?
there is no other i run to but You...
let it always be so Jesus.
let my heart always seek after You.
follow You, pant after You.
my soul thirst more and more for You,
Jesus. For You said,
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be filled.

please. more grace Lord. more direction Holy Spirit. more comfort please. more Love Father.
more of You Jesus. please more grace. and so much less of me. more grace. grace upon grace.
stamp eternity on my eyelids.
YOU are eternity for me.
let me see You always before me.
i pray for grace to suffer well , Jesus.

im His

"You are Mine."

He said to me in the midst of sorrow and tears over my 

wretchedness and just wanting to read the Bible.. but everything against me;

and my flesh-- enemy number one. i hate my flesh..

this battle between flesh and spirit.

But i am His. He comforted me-- GOD comforted me... me-- of all people!

..." I will put my Laws in their mind, and in their heart I will write them,
and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. ~ Hebrews 8.10

what a waste

what's a waste you might ask?
here let me tell you...
my life.
my day.
the time spent trying to tell someone
i want to serve God..
yet i could have spent all that time reading His Word
i know im nothing.
im no charles spurgeon. no sarah edwards. no paul. no peter
im not a lydia or anna. im proably real close to judas... but the Lord took me back..so maybe i kinda am like Peter...
but my life is a waste. im not any famous person. im not pretty or attractive
i have no degree. ive lost everything i own. people look at me and think im just a waste of ahuman being.
im sure if the Nazi leadership could have  had me i would have been eradicated as one with handicap..useless to society.. a burden to society..
my life is wasted.
all i ever wanted to do was serve God.
without Him i have no reason for anything
if i cant serve Him
what am i here for?
i thought He called me...
i must be wrong.
it was just my head.
what a waste.

a picture says a thousand words.

The Judgement Seat of Christ

Dear believer, once we are in the presence of God, all is over.
It is too late to correct anything. ~ Gisela Yohannan, "Broken for a Purpose"

The following is an excerpt from Broken for a Purpose ...

Do you understand and see that His testing is born out
of love for you? The more you recognize the depth of His
love, the more you will also yield to His testing.  (Pg. 73, Broken for a Purpose)

I often have thought that all these trial and testings are because i have done something wrong. i have sinned God is chastising me. Most of the modern American church, from what i have learned in a short time thinks if you are poor,  if you are sick, if you have problems.. especially one right after the other than either something is wrong with your faith..or you must be rebelling or sinning against God.

And i have also learned that the American Christians who think this don't really spend time in the Bible reading the Word and they also have little to no real intimate relationship with Jesus. Weekend warriors one might call them... This is a term active duty soldiers- the full time soldier - uses for a Reservist who is trained once a month and then goes active duty two weeks out of the year.

 Woe to them if they are called to active duty... they don't know how to live it and function day after day as a real soldier. Their hair is long if they are a man and they have to get it cut to uniform (certain length) they don't really know how to perform in their MOS, their occupation as a soldier because they are used to their job in the civilian world. They now must leave that and their families and.... now they are no longer their own boss so to speak. The rules have entirely changed. They cannot go where they want , when they want. They are under the charge of a superior officer or Enlisted soldier. Now, they must take orders, something they cannot comprehend and they have a hard time adjusting. Many kick and scoff at it, these rules, and they whine as many reservists do... they just wanted college money. It was purely selfish motive for joining the ranks of the military... to get money... or i could interpose "blessing". (People in church have misused this word and run it in to the ground, where it only means material and monetary nature...more on that later..maybe.)
Purely selfish the majority of these weekend warriors are. To them their duty is fulfilled to their Country once a month or on Sundays.. they have done their nation a service. But how dare the nation take them from their daily lives and put them active duty where they endure hardship. Lack of food, extreme weather and BATTLE!!!

It has taken a lot of time. And testing, trial and LOVE from the Lord to show me this Truth, that man has TWISTED the Scripture.. and maybe to their own destruction on these issues. These are not small. Yet the modern churchianity does not talk of this. They feed itching ears, not hungry sheep. But some fed this slop were hungry sheep and now it is struggle after struggle to undo this false teaching. i believed what people told me..well maybe you don't have enough faith. Something different i have heard at different church buildings. It all got in my skin/heart/soul like music does, or what i watch on TV (which used to be christian television who teaches this pig slop...now, i do not watch TV, period.)
It has been hard to unlearn this..and learn God's Word to me. This truth...

That the sufferings of this life are not to be compared to the eternal weight of glory to come.
ROMANS 8.18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
PHILIPPIANS 3.10
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,
2 TIMOTHY 1.8
Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God,
2 CORINTHIANS 1.5-6
For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

 2 TIMOTHY 2.3
You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

This walk with Jesus, this narrow road is not a fluffy frilly party!
It is serious business! This is war. this is battle of good and evil
this is a cry for people to hear the True Words of the Lord Jesus Christ!!! for souls in anguish to hear about Jesus!! not to live in anguish and suffering on this earth and then to suffer eternal damnation because they never had the opportunity to hear.  they hear some false preaching about just ask Jesus into your heart and then your saved. and then you will have a great fun life you will be rich and then you can ask whatever you want and He will give it to you!!! Mercedes? bling! its yours. new house? steak dinner?  $1000 handbag?
oh you got it babe! while your at it get some new shoes and new dress so you can outdo the other weekend warriors!!!!!!!

i walked into church the other day into the bathroom while some teen was taking pictures of herself in the mirror, i was genuine when i told her she looked pretty or beautiful..don't remember exactly what i said.
but i got a go-to-hell look in return.
i don't understand this. yes look nice. take care of yourself. but look at the suit above.. both of theirs... i wonder how many families that could feed.. for a year...in America.. or "lesser" parts of the world.
Christians do go hungry in India, China, Vietnam, other places..many places. they live in dirt houses is their floor they live in slums. I have way more than them... yet i have dreamed of food at night because i was hungry...

Fire. Works. Judgement Seat of Christ (2 Cor. 5.9)... provided one makes it there.. the other alternative is the Great White Throne Judgement. (Rev. 20.11)
I wonder if ole Joel will make it to the Judgement Seat of Christ... which is kind of discriminatory... but its for Born Again Believers, Children of God only...
if he makes it... what will last.. what can he lay at Jesus feet? his auditorium.. the big shiny globe for a decoration? his music... or all the people in his circus arena that he teaches his self-help glorifying man gospel too...

what nice brand new outfit can he lay at Jesus feet that Jesus could not make... Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as finely as the lilies of the field.  (Matt. 6.28-29)

i don't know if he is a son of God. but by the message he preaches and how the Holy Spirit directed me away from him on the very first TV show of his i  was sick. and angry at him that the message of his was being blared on the screen for millions to see and he never mentioned Jesus... and i was only newly to Christ.. three or four days and knew without doubt he was WRONG!

...so trials, tribulations.. Jesus said in this world we will have trouble
but take heart I have overcome the world. (John. 16.33)
He didn't say get all fancied out never expect hard times, suffering... look at what He suffered.
He learned obedience to Father by the things HE SUFFERED. (Hebrews 5.8)
God did not spare His only Son (Rom. 8.32) and it pleased Him to CRUSH-bruise Him. (Isaiah 53.10)
why should any Believer in Christ expect or think they will get off scott free in this world and be driving round in a brand new car every 3 or 4 years.  WHAT???

They have made Jesus into an idol something like a fat man dressed in a red suit.
Yes Jesus is glorified in heaven  and His hair is white like snow and He has eyes that are like flames of FIRE. (Rev. 1.14)
oh they twinkle alright....He who sits in the heavens laughs! (Psalm 2.4) but His belly does not shake like a bowl full of jelly!
I tell you their God does not exist they preach another Jesus and they will be surprised when He turns them away to eternal hellfire and justifiable damnation because God is Justified and Glorified in ALL that He does.

And the purifying of believers.... His children.. is most loving and kind...because the alternative to suffering on earth for a time... could be suffering in the Lake of Fire, eternally.
Peter was sifted like wheat by satan (Luke 22.31)
Jesus handed him over and i think this was most loving of the Lord Jesus to do this... He could have let him taste the same fate as Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus.. also.

You have been called to suffer. 1 Peter 2.21
For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps:
.... to be continued.

who am i?

still reading Mrs. Yohannan's book "Broken for a Purpose"
in only a few short chapters i learn there are women...or at least A woman who has been through the struggles hard things that i am going threw and have faced...
one of the biggest IS who am i? she, too, has been through this...and to me she is like some real important woman and she gets to serve Jesus and she goes to other countries as a missionary..and etc..
and she asks herself this one night on a train...and then in the morning someone gives her a book entitled
WHO ARE YOU?  she felt so loved by Jesus that He would do that for her...
and she tells about the book and some of the scriptures in it... i will list some... to me though and i will finish the chapter to see what she has said).. they have become christian cliches that do not answer my question but cover up my question and pain in asking it... it is like they are told to me...and then shhh hurry on now.. you bother me.
here are a few... of the scriptures.. and i am in no way putting down either of the books OR the Scriptures!! no no! i am just telling my thoughts and trying to sort things out...

• I am a son of God (1 John 3:2).
• I am born of God (John 1:13).
• I am an heir of God (Galatians 4:7).
• I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
• I am accepted in the Beloved (Ephesians 1:6).
• I am blessed with all spiritual blessings (Ephesians 1:3).

These are all good and perfect and God's Word...
but sometimes to me it seems like some self-help ritual i must say.. look in the mirror and tell yourself these things. while im at it i might put on a light blue sweater and say im smart and doggon-it people like me!

i know all these scriptures are true... but i only FEEL? them sometimes...and it seems i only stand strong in them a day or two... what value am i? who am i? why am i here? i understand the Word to us..
and i believe it...with all my heart. i know what i WAS and i know what JESUS has done in me alone...only HE could have done it. not me.
i still ask these questions though..especially who am i? what is my exact purpose and what "Body" part am i  IN the Beloved.... what is my purpose what good works was i created to do for Him to His glory?

broken for a purpose

ive just downloaded this book.. for FREE. by Gisela Yohannan..
she is KP Yohannan's wife from Gospel for Asia. www.gfa.org

i love Bro. KP though i have never met him he is a wonderful brother and godly man
and he loves Jesus and lost people... as well as the brethren.

im hoping to get some womanly and motherly type encouragement to keep going. to keep running.
i do not have a woman to encourage me or teach me... though i wish with all my heart that i did.
i am so lonely. and have to figure this out for myself, which is not how God wanted it to be according to HIS Word. this angers me and breaks me with sorrow at the same time....

but all the books from the gfa resources you can download for free. i am going to read this book..and i may write on it.. what ever Lord says. i feel very separated from Him now..i don't know what i have done.
maybe this is a test.
i do not know.

so here is a link to the book.   Broken for a Purpose

if you are hurting and confused and broken.. and you still love Jesus.. ipray you press on into Him.
its hard..i know..believe me i'm struggling too. waiting only for His glorious appearing, this is my hope

please tell me

Jesus please tell me the answer to the question i asked of You.
im scared. i dont want o and i cant be apart from you
and i will obey. but if a husband means i dont have a relationship with You as i have...
this scares me sends my nerves like a cat stuck to the ceiling.
the thought of not haveing time with You loving YOu and being loved by You as i have sacres me
it is not soemthing i am willing to give up. unless you make me.


paul said the unmarried woman pleases the Lord..thinking of the things that please You.
but the married woman...pleases her husband...and is worried about please ing her husband.

please tell me show me that we wont be lost. that we would nto be sepearted.
to be apart from You.. i can not live.
you came to woman in teh bible..single woman...but after they were married it seemed you did not speak to them..wellnothing was writtne.

this is too much.
rollar coaster.
You hide from me..
is this what marirage is like
nothing of YOu..

Dear God....

Dear God...
i admit i can do nothing. im sorry for all the trouble and pain i cause. i admit i am weak. i am poor and miserable.. probably blind and naked too. im just a little girl Lord. selfish probably because i keep messing everything up. can you help me? thats a dumb question...i KNOW You can.. will You..?
im all alone on this road. im scared. im sad. and i really really NEED You. i look and i cant see you. i listen and i cant hear you. have you given up on me? i know i know what His Word says... but im talking to Jesus from my heart the way a little child does.. Jesus im scared and there is big monsters all around. im cold and hungry and im waiting and waiting but you never show.
where did You go? hide and seek i do not like. the people in the building where you have set me.. they look at me all with evil mean looks so i try not to look at them. it is like i am covered in mud and poop. dirty messy hair and ripped dirty clothes. i am a poor beggar child. a peasant child. an unwanted child..i did not meet a death in the mother's womb... but i am a child walking this earth and it seems behind every place is scary monster and a evil witch. i dont find angel hands to help me. i dont find healing hands.  i dont find loving hands to reach out and pull me up... only ones to shew me away... like a stray dog.
Daddy? i wonder if you have forgotten me. or maybe you've cast me away. its been three and a half years
and there is no fruit.
i hope you wont cast me away. i hope you will still love me
and see something of you that is worthy to remain in your vineyard.
im real tired and i think i will just lay down in this road now. i dont know which way to go. i got turned around dizzy and fell down. now i dont know which is the way i came from and which is the way to go.
i dont know what you want me to do or where you want me to go.
so Dear God...
i will lay down here until you come for me..somehow, someway to tell me where to go... to send someone to help.
maybe You will come in Your glorious Light that i long for with all Your Love and Beauty.
when i see You i feel safe. when i dont see you and cant see You.. You hiding Your face from me..
i feel desperate and terribly sick and afraid... like maybe You dont want me anymore.
i hope this is not true. what would i do with out You.
who do i have in heaven or on earth besides You?

thankful for Jesus

holidays..so called thanksgiving. do we need a day .a national day to celebrate...only once a year are we thankful? like CHRISTmas..only once a year do we remember Christ and His birth..His leaving heaven to come here and suffer...and then on "easter" we celebrate death, resurection, Life of our Savior.
holidays make my heart hurt. is this only when people show each other love?
no.. because while some people are celebrating others are hurting..lonely..others die around the holidays because of loneliness it does kill.
the first thanksgiving..those "pilgrims" were greatful and thankful to be out from under the tyranny of the british rule and the CHURCH... the monarchy....
it wasnt about football games or shopping online or some getting drunk or people fighting or making jokes about each other..
it was REALLY about Jesus. it was about the Man of sorrows..our great High Priest who knew suffering and sorrow and death and could relate and is still sympathetic to our infirmities..i know this is not the right wording..paraphrase of the scripture i am thinking of... He bore our infirmities and tasted death..He took the wrath of GOD that was meant for me...and you.. upon HImself..Him who knew no sin was made sin for us.
guilt grief shame degradation.. things He never knew..had no cause to know because He was without sin. took mine upon Himself..all that ive ever done or will do...i can hardly bear my own  when it happens or it is brought to my remembrance and i must repent. yet He bore it all at once..my sins that i have not yet done..were on Him. oh that i would never sin again. but He already paid for the sins. on a tree. cursed is everyman who hangs on a tree. it shoulda been me. but i could never pay for my sins. i am filthy sinner without a way to appease God. no matter how many times i would ask forgiveness and try to be better He would not forgive me had Jesus His Son not took this sin upon Him..The sinless spotless Lamb who takes away the sin of the world. i dont have enough money for milk much less to buy my way out of sin.
it was a price only Jesus could pay.
why why would you do this for me Jesus? i am looked upon by man with reproach and disgust. i am hated an misunderstood. i make mistake after mistake. i am still so messed up though You live in me?
i am not thankful for sin. i hate sin. i hate my sin i hate evil i hate everyone's sin it has caused so much suffering in theis world. i know what it has done to just one person.. me..i have seen it radiate outward and touch many..it all effects every single person on this earth because we are all one blood and all living on this cursed earth under this curse of indwelling sin in our flesh. i know apart from You there is nothing good in me. if you were not in me i would have no hope whatsoever. this world..this world..is a sorrowful place. hunger. hate. bleeding dying people..crying children. men beating women. women getting hurt. children covering their eyes and ears. people lying and stealing. adultery violence all over. thieves stealing money stealing food stealing lives forcing women and children into slavery... i could not bear to live in tehis world without You without hope of being with you one day. iguess this is what kept You going when You were in the Garde..knowing You would be seperated from Father while you bore the sin... the weight of sin of untold millions..and His wrath all at once. ultimate suffering You took...Jesus i think You could go on because You trusted Father..that He woul not leave You.that You would be reunited with Him.
i can go on because i know i will get to be with You..yet i dont want to yet i do.
because i live for You and it is Your will.
im lonely here. im lonely for You yet you are hear..putting me thru a test..hiding Your face from me..why do You hide Your face from me Lord?? i long for fellowship with believers. real..in person fellowship.. with adults..talking about You  studying about You..
am i not abiding in You? is this why you dont answer? i have asked over and over please tell me what i have done. without You i cannot make it. without talking to You or hearing from You i will cry out my God my God why have You forsaken me????? yet i know You are true to Your Word for Your namesake.. you wont ruin Your Holy name.
im not worthy of you. this was a great price.. You are the pearl of great price for me.. i am not needed by you. not needed by man. why would You do this. why would You do what You did? what good am i to You.
about as good as a flea on a mouse.
Lord. i love you. i am thankful for you..if right now i said i was thankful for anything else i would be lying.
so i will not say i am thankful. for anything else. many are suffering right now without knowing you.
i am thankful for You. that You are Faithful.
someday i will have joy again. on this earth? im not sure...tribulation and suffering..i AM sure of...joy i dont know. momentary laughter..maybe...but joy will come when the Morning Star rises...when He comes to take vengeance on the earth. When i hear my Beloved call me to HIm..to come Home. when i hear the last trumpet..or before then..whenever You call me home...then i will have joy. forevermore.
no good thing dwells within me. no one seeks after God. no not one. they have all gone astray.. all turned away.. seeking their own...there is no one who does good  no not one.
all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
i am thankful for You Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit.

SHOCKING DOCUMENTARY 2- False spirits invade the church - KUNDALINI WARN...

there is so much i could say about this.
i must ask God and not speak. trying to ask Him to speak for me.
only words He would speak.
but this is not right.
i do know this spirit is real. have seen it in my own church.
have been under it i believe..
and some of these ppl are infested in their soul with demons.
and in need of deliverance.
Jesus show us the truth and give us discernment to know what is of You and Holy Spirit
and what is of false spirits and antichrist.

Yielded, Blessed and Broken by Zac Poonen

Lord do your crushing work in me...
i want to be exalted over sin too and over the world and the devil
make him flee from me..OH NO!!! Jesus i know and Paul i know but who are you??
let my name be in the enemy know so i can help turn the world upside down by Your
Holy Spirit for Your glory and Your name's sake Jesus.
do what You will. may it please you to crush me even more.
i submit too you. pleas just dont leave me side Holy Spirit dont leave me and talk to me
i need Your reassurance and power and love continually to make it to even get up in the morning.
thank you Jesus.
thank you for Scripture
thankyou for YOU
thank you for uncle zac.
thank you for my other teachers.
thank you for Holy Spirit in me. teaching me and guiding me
let Your will be made known to me LORD.
thankyou.
1 peter 5.6
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you in due time...casting all your cares upon Him because He cares for you.

please exalt me over sin Lord i know i wont be perfect until the Day of Christ Jesus. but please make my thoughts pleasing to you and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You.
let me walk like You. follow you my soul following closely behind You.
hold my hand . thank you Daddy. Abba. Father. for Jesus. for You. for Holy Spirit. for being my Daddy. for being my Friend. BEST Friend. BESTEST FRIEND.
i love You.

~~~He makes us nothing in the eyes of men so we can be great in HIS eyes.~~~
uncle zac.

Isaiah 6. woe is me. please send me.

In the year that king Uzziah died I saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple.

2Above it stood the seraphims: each one had six wings; with twain he covered his face, and with twain he covered his feet, and with twain he did fly.

3And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, holy, holy, is the LORD of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.

4And the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke.

5Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.

6Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:

7And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.

8Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.

9And he said, Go, and tell this people, Hear ye indeed, but understand not; and see ye indeed, but perceive not.

10Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed.

11Then said I, Lord, how long? And he answered, Until the cities be wasted without inhabitant, and the houses without man, and the land be utterly desolate,

12And the LORD have removed men far away, and there be a great forsaking in the midst of the land.

13But yet in it shall be a tenth, and it shall return, and shall be eaten: as a teil tree, and as an oak, whose substance is in them, when they cast their leaves: so the holy seed shall be the substance thereof.

The Unconditional Love of Christ - Paul Washer

and i hear this for the third time... the first; brought me to tears as i was listening to the full length sermon. with peace by Holy Spirit covering me.
this morning i listen. and i watch pw. he is crying. i have awoken from a nightmare wherein i sinned in my sleep? is this possible?
woe is me i dwell among men of unclean lips! the unclean man is me. the race of humans with indwelling sin is me.
the desperation sin brings. the destruction and degradation and pain to humanity.
yet some wallow in it, some enjoy it, and some when born again despise it.
woe is me i dwell in a tent of unclean flesh
tormented by my own flesh my spirit wants to fly away Home!!
away from this awful body of death!
and as i watched it this second time, this short clip hoping to have joy.
i was blank. and fully aware that i deserve nothing.
and i dont know to do. i dont know how to stop what is happening.
i cry to Him and He stops the thoughts and images in the day.
and then they come at night even more vivid and im involved.
i asked Him before i went to sleep to protect my dreams, guard my heart and mind...
yet; He let my flesh take control in my vulnerability of sleep.
oh how i dont want to sleep anymore.
yest i dont want to be awake. this fight. this war between flesh and spirit.
is mine. no one to help. no one to understand exactly.
i dont understand.
He is there and He stands by and tells me to stand.
the battle is the Lord's
but im caught in the middle because satan hates God
and im God's therefore he hates me more than unregenerate men and women.
and the third time of the video..i only halfway listened..
started searching the web halfway thru...
and here is this blog as a result.